Sunday, December 27, 2009
Made it through...
Well.... yep it has been a long time... and no excuses...other than fear. Digging in and being honest... even if it is only with myself is hard... and it has been easier to just pull the covers over my head, or paste on a smile and get through another day. But get through I have, and I will count it all as a success... because God can use all things (praise be!) even if I can't inch my foot forward. Yesterday ( 12/26) was another first- as the day was before. and I made it through... maybe not as triumphantly as I would have wished... but I made it through. I wanted to log back in , just for a moment... first- to make sure that I could, and second, to try to commit to re blogging-at least weekly- because this is a record of my journey where God is leading me up the mountain, and someday, when I get to the top... and get my new name... I want to be able to look back and give God the glory!
Friday, July 17, 2009
yes- I am still here...
Yes, I stepped away from my blogging.... actually- there is no good reason... other than satan convinced me not to.... because you see... this is a blog about my relationship with GOD- MY FATHER... and satan does not want that to flourish.... but anyway.... not sure I can go too deep... but one of my logs that I visit sometimes REALLY spoke to me.... so from NITTY GRITTY- and amazing Spirit filled woman with a heart wrenching story.. but God is using mightily... her post from July 16th- 2009 Here is a picture of her son CREW-- trying his best to get thru that gate!
I recently posted some thoughts I had on what I referred to as having a distorted view. I am visiting this topic again with some further thoughts/insights and sort of 'talking outloud' here. I welcome your thoughts and comments as well. I think dialogue is half the fun of blogging. So feel free to join me when you're done reading this.
The pictures you see here are all of Crew with the exception of the top photo. That one is Teagan at around 7 months and I just share that alongside these photos because I think it's fun to compare features between babies. She and Crew are definitely related! I think they have a few similar personality traits too. They are both a bit feisty, lovable and so full of happiness. I am blessed for sure, to be the mom of them and all their siblings in between. =)
The pictures of Crew outside were taken a day ago and I am just amazed at how grown up he seems all of a sudden since his top 2 teeth have come in. He's losing that baby look so fast! Then there are the pictures of him at the gate. He is trying so hard to figure out how to get past it and head to the downstairs and play alongside of the rest of the kids. He does get to go down and play for short periods of time when I'm supervising him, but there are way too many 'trouble toys' for him to get into if left on his own, that it's not safe for him to be there. But in his mind, he doesn't care about the dangers. He just wants to get down there and play! Oh how he hangs on that gate and even does a little dance sometimes with the excitement he builds just thinking about playing beyond those stairs!
What you can't see is that just around the corner from the gate are piles and piles of toys that are totally safe and available to him whenever he wants to crawl over to them and get his hands on them. There are books and balls and stacking things and rattles and toy phones and chewy things and jiggy things and a whole lot more. But he's focused and persistent at times to just sit or stand at the gate and forego the fun he could be having just because he wants something past those wooden bars.
Herein lies the lesson of having a distorted view. How often in my life I see that I am just like Crew standing at the 'gate' and I even shake the bars and throw little fits sometimes wanting something I can't have. It's been true in my past and I'm sure it will happen again sometime. It's so easy to get 'hung up' on something we want- maybe it's even something really good- like a mate or a baby or a big job promotion or a new house or a spot on a scrap design team or any number of things. Have you ever found yourself disappointed or let down or feeling frustrated that life isn't going your way despite all the measures you are taking to make your dream happen? We ALL do it. We get our hearts set on something and for some of us, we get so caught up in the pursuit of that one thing that we let all the other 'good things' that surround us go unnoticed just around the corner simply because we want 'what's beyond the gate'.
We even lose things we hold dear because we are trying so hard to get that one thing. I know in my own life I have had selfish ambitions and have followed my own heart rather than waiting on God's time for what I truly need in life. He always knows best what I need and what I can handle, just as I know Crew isn't ready to take on a flight of stairs or play with some toys with tiny pieces. Crew thinks I'm just punishing him or denying him fun and good things. But the fact is that I am actually protecting him and giving him "freedom" by putting up a gate and setting clear boundaries.
That's what God does in our lives too. He puts roadblocks and 'gates' in our lives from time to time until we learn and/or grow into the person He is molding us to be. Sometimes it seems like He is punishing us by not giving us what we want, when in fact, He is likely trying to prepare us for what is yet to come. Does that make sense?
Here's another example. Crew would be happy if I gave him a hot dog in a bun when his siblings get one at their meal, but could he handle it as this stage in his life? No! He would likely choke and put himself in great danger. But it looks to him like something he wants and the other kids like it, so to him it is confusing. I was thinking about how often things in life seem confusing to me. Things seem unfair or unjust or simply 'messed up' according to the way I think things should go or be. But in all likelihood, from God's perspective there is a good reason for the way things are playing out around us and maybe they are even for a good purpose. I am learning that I need to quit standing and banging on a gate when stuff comes up that doesn't make sense in my heart and mind. At those times I need to trust that just as I know what's best for Crew and all my kids, God knows what's best for me. He has my greatest interests at heart and wants nothing more than to prepare me and shape me for what is yet to come. I can get hung up and miss out on the fun laying all around me, or I can surrender myself and trust Him in all things.
Let me tell you, walking away from life's "gates" is where I find the most freedom and joy. I can mope around and wish things were different or let go and live in the moment. It's not always easy though. The issues in our lives are so "big" compared to the toys and fun awaiting Crew downstairs. But the principle is the same. There is goodness all around us. We can live and grow and I do know that God swings open those gates and blesses us so often too. One day soon Crew will be crawling up and down those stairs and he will be ready to tackle a whole new set of challenges. I hope that like him I am ready to take on new challenges and set my heart and mind on things besides closed gates. I want to be ready and willing to do whatever it is that God puts on my heart for His glory and purpose. I never want to lose sight of the fact that God knows what's best and He is faithful to us when we wait on Him. I just wish growing up wasn't so hard sometimes. =)
The pictures you see here are all of Crew with the exception of the top photo. That one is Teagan at around 7 months and I just share that alongside these photos because I think it's fun to compare features between babies. She and Crew are definitely related! I think they have a few similar personality traits too. They are both a bit feisty, lovable and so full of happiness. I am blessed for sure, to be the mom of them and all their siblings in between. =)
The pictures of Crew outside were taken a day ago and I am just amazed at how grown up he seems all of a sudden since his top 2 teeth have come in. He's losing that baby look so fast! Then there are the pictures of him at the gate. He is trying so hard to figure out how to get past it and head to the downstairs and play alongside of the rest of the kids. He does get to go down and play for short periods of time when I'm supervising him, but there are way too many 'trouble toys' for him to get into if left on his own, that it's not safe for him to be there. But in his mind, he doesn't care about the dangers. He just wants to get down there and play! Oh how he hangs on that gate and even does a little dance sometimes with the excitement he builds just thinking about playing beyond those stairs!
What you can't see is that just around the corner from the gate are piles and piles of toys that are totally safe and available to him whenever he wants to crawl over to them and get his hands on them. There are books and balls and stacking things and rattles and toy phones and chewy things and jiggy things and a whole lot more. But he's focused and persistent at times to just sit or stand at the gate and forego the fun he could be having just because he wants something past those wooden bars.
Herein lies the lesson of having a distorted view. How often in my life I see that I am just like Crew standing at the 'gate' and I even shake the bars and throw little fits sometimes wanting something I can't have. It's been true in my past and I'm sure it will happen again sometime. It's so easy to get 'hung up' on something we want- maybe it's even something really good- like a mate or a baby or a big job promotion or a new house or a spot on a scrap design team or any number of things. Have you ever found yourself disappointed or let down or feeling frustrated that life isn't going your way despite all the measures you are taking to make your dream happen? We ALL do it. We get our hearts set on something and for some of us, we get so caught up in the pursuit of that one thing that we let all the other 'good things' that surround us go unnoticed just around the corner simply because we want 'what's beyond the gate'.
We even lose things we hold dear because we are trying so hard to get that one thing. I know in my own life I have had selfish ambitions and have followed my own heart rather than waiting on God's time for what I truly need in life. He always knows best what I need and what I can handle, just as I know Crew isn't ready to take on a flight of stairs or play with some toys with tiny pieces. Crew thinks I'm just punishing him or denying him fun and good things. But the fact is that I am actually protecting him and giving him "freedom" by putting up a gate and setting clear boundaries.
That's what God does in our lives too. He puts roadblocks and 'gates' in our lives from time to time until we learn and/or grow into the person He is molding us to be. Sometimes it seems like He is punishing us by not giving us what we want, when in fact, He is likely trying to prepare us for what is yet to come. Does that make sense?
Here's another example. Crew would be happy if I gave him a hot dog in a bun when his siblings get one at their meal, but could he handle it as this stage in his life? No! He would likely choke and put himself in great danger. But it looks to him like something he wants and the other kids like it, so to him it is confusing. I was thinking about how often things in life seem confusing to me. Things seem unfair or unjust or simply 'messed up' according to the way I think things should go or be. But in all likelihood, from God's perspective there is a good reason for the way things are playing out around us and maybe they are even for a good purpose. I am learning that I need to quit standing and banging on a gate when stuff comes up that doesn't make sense in my heart and mind. At those times I need to trust that just as I know what's best for Crew and all my kids, God knows what's best for me. He has my greatest interests at heart and wants nothing more than to prepare me and shape me for what is yet to come. I can get hung up and miss out on the fun laying all around me, or I can surrender myself and trust Him in all things.
Let me tell you, walking away from life's "gates" is where I find the most freedom and joy. I can mope around and wish things were different or let go and live in the moment. It's not always easy though. The issues in our lives are so "big" compared to the toys and fun awaiting Crew downstairs. But the principle is the same. There is goodness all around us. We can live and grow and I do know that God swings open those gates and blesses us so often too. One day soon Crew will be crawling up and down those stairs and he will be ready to tackle a whole new set of challenges. I hope that like him I am ready to take on new challenges and set my heart and mind on things besides closed gates. I want to be ready and willing to do whatever it is that God puts on my heart for His glory and purpose. I never want to lose sight of the fact that God knows what's best and He is faithful to us when we wait on Him. I just wish growing up wasn't so hard sometimes. =)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Extraordinary Women's Conference
Let me start with a WOW..... I am goign to just list all the wonderful things that God did this weekend... before I forget-- then try to go back and fill in all the details......
massage
joyce meyer- fly like an eagle
hotel room
pillow and blanket in elevator- "pick up your bed and walk"
friendships in line
great seats
wonderful friends and fellowship
meeting angela- and givign her the card/letter
praise and worship- charles billingsly
TRANSFORM TRANSFORM TRANSFORM
chonda pierce- build a bear
roomies--
breakfast- ga men
back in line- great seats
stormie omartian- jack hayford connection
angela thomas- trans form--
alter call
lunch- not chick-fil-a
karne kingsbury
matthew west
charles billingsly- I'll fly away
michelle mckinney hammond
wow
joyce meyer fly like and eagle
safe trip home- can't hardly move
massage
joyce meyer- fly like an eagle
hotel room
pillow and blanket in elevator- "pick up your bed and walk"
friendships in line
great seats
wonderful friends and fellowship
meeting angela- and givign her the card/letter
praise and worship- charles billingsly
TRANSFORM TRANSFORM TRANSFORM
chonda pierce- build a bear
roomies--
breakfast- ga men
back in line- great seats
stormie omartian- jack hayford connection
angela thomas- trans form--
alter call
lunch- not chick-fil-a
karne kingsbury
matthew west
charles billingsly- I'll fly away
michelle mckinney hammond
wow
joyce meyer fly like and eagle
safe trip home- can't hardly move
Friday, May 1, 2009
Philippians 4
4-9
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Meditate on These Things
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Meditate on These Things
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
Matthew 6:25 (New Living Translation)
25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?
Isaiah 55
8For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
10For as the rain and snow come down from the heavens, and return not there again, but water the earth and make it bring forth and sprout, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12For you shall go out [from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland] with joy and be led forth [by your Leader, the Lord Himself, and His word] with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise], which shall not be cut off.
Genesis 50:20 (New King James Version)
20 But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive
SELAH- YOUR WILL GOD - YOUR WILL!!!
25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?
Isaiah 55
8For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
10For as the rain and snow come down from the heavens, and return not there again, but water the earth and make it bring forth and sprout, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth out of My mouth: it shall not return to Me void [without producing any effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which I please and purpose, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12For you shall go out [from the spiritual exile caused by sin and evil into the homeland] with joy and be led forth [by your Leader, the Lord Himself, and His word] with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown, for an everlasting sign [of jubilant exaltation] and memorial [to His praise], which shall not be cut off.
Genesis 50:20 (New King James Version)
20 But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive
SELAH- YOUR WILL GOD - YOUR WILL!!!
EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN'S CONFERENCE
Romans 12: 2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Ok- God- help me to lean on you- to TRUST IN YOU! to hear YOU!!!!!!!! I am so wanting this weekend to be all about YOU God and where YOU want me to go! but I need YOUR help! I am crying out to you Lord to RENEW my mind! To RENEW my heart and RENEW my spirit! I am broken God-and right now- I know that YOU know that what is imprisoning me is the broken record of my mind that CONSTANTLY plays the distorted record of my past. I AM SO SICK OF THINKING OF THIS ALL THE TIME! GOD I cry out to you now- hear my plea! PLEASE help me to move forward- lead me up that mountain- help me to TURN OFF MY MIND with all this stuff! I believe that You have sheltered me and Chase from the enemy- and for some reason it had to happen the way it has.... help me to not ask WHY anymore God- Help me to get rid of these horrible chains that are STILL keeping me from the life you have for me. GOD I don't know what else to do. I have exhausted my self. I do not know where else to turn. I keep running toward you- but my mind is still pulling me back to places that I DO NOT WANT TO GO!!!!
God I am dedicating this weekend to you!!!
Matthew 16:23
"Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."
YOU HAVE GREAT THINGS IN STORE FOR THIS FAMILY! And you want me to be the best I can be so that can happen! This weekend is YOUR weekend- please help me to be YOUR vessel- help me to hear YOUR truth!
Philippians 3:14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Help me to know YOUR will and to know that YOU are the one that put this before me - It's all yours God!!!
Romans 8:27-28 (New Living Translation)
27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[b] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Help me to:
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New Living Translation)
5 Trust in the Lord with all MY heart; do not depend on MY own understanding. 6 Seek his will in all I do, and he will show you which path to take.
Love me thru this LORD-- THRU this- push me THRU !!!
Isaiah 40:31But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.They will run and not grow weary.They will walk and not faint.
I TRUST YOU GOD- I TRUST YOU!
HELP ME BE WHAT YOU KNOW I CAN BE- HEAL MY HEART-HEAL MY MIND AND HEAL MY SPIRIT!
in my Father's name-AMEN
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Ok- God- help me to lean on you- to TRUST IN YOU! to hear YOU!!!!!!!! I am so wanting this weekend to be all about YOU God and where YOU want me to go! but I need YOUR help! I am crying out to you Lord to RENEW my mind! To RENEW my heart and RENEW my spirit! I am broken God-and right now- I know that YOU know that what is imprisoning me is the broken record of my mind that CONSTANTLY plays the distorted record of my past. I AM SO SICK OF THINKING OF THIS ALL THE TIME! GOD I cry out to you now- hear my plea! PLEASE help me to move forward- lead me up that mountain- help me to TURN OFF MY MIND with all this stuff! I believe that You have sheltered me and Chase from the enemy- and for some reason it had to happen the way it has.... help me to not ask WHY anymore God- Help me to get rid of these horrible chains that are STILL keeping me from the life you have for me. GOD I don't know what else to do. I have exhausted my self. I do not know where else to turn. I keep running toward you- but my mind is still pulling me back to places that I DO NOT WANT TO GO!!!!
God I am dedicating this weekend to you!!!
Matthew 16:23
"Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."
YOU HAVE GREAT THINGS IN STORE FOR THIS FAMILY! And you want me to be the best I can be so that can happen! This weekend is YOUR weekend- please help me to be YOUR vessel- help me to hear YOUR truth!
Philippians 3:14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Help me to know YOUR will and to know that YOU are the one that put this before me - It's all yours God!!!
Romans 8:27-28 (New Living Translation)
27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[b] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Help me to:
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New Living Translation)
5 Trust in the Lord with all MY heart; do not depend on MY own understanding. 6 Seek his will in all I do, and he will show you which path to take.
Love me thru this LORD-- THRU this- push me THRU !!!
Isaiah 40:31But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.They will run and not grow weary.They will walk and not faint.
I TRUST YOU GOD- I TRUST YOU!
HELP ME BE WHAT YOU KNOW I CAN BE- HEAL MY HEART-HEAL MY MIND AND HEAL MY SPIRIT!
in my Father's name-AMEN
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Old Friends
Got in touch with an old friend that I haven't spoken to in about 14 1/2 years tonight via facebook. It was a blessing... a hard one... but a blessing. She was in England with us and we became fast friends... we had our kids 6 months apart- and then because of the way we left England I allowed that friendship to drift away. See... that brought back bad memories of the England mess... and I chose poorly- to turn aside from that and move forward. Oh- but how hind sight is 20/20- I lost my marriage and a friendship.
But thanks to facebook- we have found each other.
I actually found her a few weeks back- but couldn't come to bring her up to date.
I know that this MESS is not my fault... and I should have NO shame... but it is hard... even to just hit on the high points- to catch someone up over the past 15 years is painful. Gut-wrenchingly so!
Anyway- she is caught up! blown-away-- but caught up! It is amazing at what people will say when they know you are now longer with a person --- how much they disliked him and thought he was SO full of himself.... how often I have heard that.... WHY COULD THEY NOT TELL ME THEN..... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY COULD I NOT SEE IT!!!!!!!
Anyway- it was nice to get in touch with old friends and hopefully the next visit- we can focus on her! She was always amazing! Always with the go-get-um attitude that I loved and was amazed about! She has had another child and her and her husband seem so happy! and I am happy for them.... maybe someday... God will bless me with that kind of contentment.... if it is HIS will....BUT first... I must heal.
And I think that getting in touch with lost friends is part of that. Part of my healing journey. Hopefully God will direct my steps of who I need to reconnect with. I have been blessed and have an abundance of friends... from all walks of life... young and old... that have made my life full and meaningful! Thank you God for Old Friends!!! and the new ones you have waiting in the wings!
But thanks to facebook- we have found each other.
I actually found her a few weeks back- but couldn't come to bring her up to date.
I know that this MESS is not my fault... and I should have NO shame... but it is hard... even to just hit on the high points- to catch someone up over the past 15 years is painful. Gut-wrenchingly so!
Anyway- she is caught up! blown-away-- but caught up! It is amazing at what people will say when they know you are now longer with a person --- how much they disliked him and thought he was SO full of himself.... how often I have heard that.... WHY COULD THEY NOT TELL ME THEN..... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY COULD I NOT SEE IT!!!!!!!
Anyway- it was nice to get in touch with old friends and hopefully the next visit- we can focus on her! She was always amazing! Always with the go-get-um attitude that I loved and was amazed about! She has had another child and her and her husband seem so happy! and I am happy for them.... maybe someday... God will bless me with that kind of contentment.... if it is HIS will....BUT first... I must heal.
And I think that getting in touch with lost friends is part of that. Part of my healing journey. Hopefully God will direct my steps of who I need to reconnect with. I have been blessed and have an abundance of friends... from all walks of life... young and old... that have made my life full and meaningful! Thank you God for Old Friends!!! and the new ones you have waiting in the wings!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Praising God For Closed Doors
Emailed to me thru The Daily Encourager 4/24/2009
The Daily Encourager
Praising God For Closed Doors
Author Unknown
Apr 24, 2009
Encourager Classic: Praising God For Closed Doors
We need to learn to praise the Lord as much for a closed door as we do an open door. The reason God closes doors is because He has not prepared anything over there for us. If he didn't close the wrong door, we would never find the right door.
God directs our path through the closing and opening of doors. Once a door closes, it forces you to change your course. Another door closes, it forces you to change your course again. Then, finally, you find the open door and you walk right into your blessing.
The Lord directs our paths through the opening and closing of doors, but instead of praising him for the closed door (which keeps us out of trouble); we get upset because we "judge by the appearances."
You have an ever-present help in the time of trouble that is always standing guard. Because He walks ahead of you, He can spot trouble down the road and set up a roadblock or detour accordingly. But through our lack of wisdom, we try to tear down the roadblocks or push aside the detour sign. Then the minute we get into trouble, we start crying, "Lord, how could You have done this to me?"
We have got to realize that the closed door can be a blessing. Didn't He say that no good thing would He withhold from them that love Him?
If you get terminated from your job, praise God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves: it might be another job, it might be school.
If that man or woman won't return your call, it might not be them, it might be the Lord setting up a roadblock (just let it go).
One time, a person had a bank they had been in business with for many years tell them "No!" to a $10,000 loan. The Lord put in their spirit to call another bank. That bank gave them $40,000 at a lower interest rate than the first bank was offering.
We can sometimes trap ourselves in doubt and discouragement through judging by appearances. Be grateful for the many times our Father has closed doors to us just to open them in the most unexpected places. The Lord won't always say in spoken words: "Go to the left, now to the right" ...sometimes He will just close the doors that are wrong for you. Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him - and He will direct your paths. (Prov. 3:5-6)
THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING ME EMAILS AND BLOGS... (EVEN ADDING MY LIFE VERSE....
NICE TOUCH ABBA FATHER...:) )
AND FOR CLOSING DOORS!!!!!
The Daily Encourager
Praising God For Closed Doors
Author Unknown
Apr 24, 2009
Encourager Classic: Praising God For Closed Doors
We need to learn to praise the Lord as much for a closed door as we do an open door. The reason God closes doors is because He has not prepared anything over there for us. If he didn't close the wrong door, we would never find the right door.
God directs our path through the closing and opening of doors. Once a door closes, it forces you to change your course. Another door closes, it forces you to change your course again. Then, finally, you find the open door and you walk right into your blessing.
The Lord directs our paths through the opening and closing of doors, but instead of praising him for the closed door (which keeps us out of trouble); we get upset because we "judge by the appearances."
You have an ever-present help in the time of trouble that is always standing guard. Because He walks ahead of you, He can spot trouble down the road and set up a roadblock or detour accordingly. But through our lack of wisdom, we try to tear down the roadblocks or push aside the detour sign. Then the minute we get into trouble, we start crying, "Lord, how could You have done this to me?"
We have got to realize that the closed door can be a blessing. Didn't He say that no good thing would He withhold from them that love Him?
If you get terminated from your job, praise God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves: it might be another job, it might be school.
If that man or woman won't return your call, it might not be them, it might be the Lord setting up a roadblock (just let it go).
One time, a person had a bank they had been in business with for many years tell them "No!" to a $10,000 loan. The Lord put in their spirit to call another bank. That bank gave them $40,000 at a lower interest rate than the first bank was offering.
We can sometimes trap ourselves in doubt and discouragement through judging by appearances. Be grateful for the many times our Father has closed doors to us just to open them in the most unexpected places. The Lord won't always say in spoken words: "Go to the left, now to the right" ...sometimes He will just close the doors that are wrong for you. Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him - and He will direct your paths. (Prov. 3:5-6)
THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING ME EMAILS AND BLOGS... (EVEN ADDING MY LIFE VERSE....
NICE TOUCH ABBA FATHER...:) )
AND FOR CLOSING DOORS!!!!!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Fear vs. The Voice of Truth
Ok-- God is so amazing--- and I learn more everyday! Don't stop God... I promise I am trying to take it all in.
I have FEAR issues.... I never knew how deep rooted.... or to what extent.... or even did I realize until these last few weeks that I have spent the past 14+ years of my life, totally making EVERY decision I made based in/on fear. Fear of what another person might do or think. How he might react to a decision that I might make - or an action I did or didn't do. I never realized all the blame that had been, oh so subtly, placed on my shoulders to carry.... nor did I realize how willing I carried it. (ok-- God just gave me the picture of the camel-- the one from the retreat almost 1 year ago to the day... neat God-- sorry that I am such a slow learner....)
Anyway I was watching Creflo Dollar today- a show I very rarely watch ( thanks God)and he was speaking on fear.
He referenced Job 3:25
To step out of my comfort zone
But the waves are calling out my name
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
Oh what I would do to have
But the giant's calling out my name
But the stone was just the right size
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth!!!
I have FEAR issues.... I never knew how deep rooted.... or to what extent.... or even did I realize until these last few weeks that I have spent the past 14+ years of my life, totally making EVERY decision I made based in/on fear. Fear of what another person might do or think. How he might react to a decision that I might make - or an action I did or didn't do. I never realized all the blame that had been, oh so subtly, placed on my shoulders to carry.... nor did I realize how willing I carried it. (ok-- God just gave me the picture of the camel-- the one from the retreat almost 1 year ago to the day... neat God-- sorry that I am such a slow learner....)
Anyway I was watching Creflo Dollar today- a show I very rarely watch ( thanks God)and he was speaking on fear.
He referenced Job 3:25
For the thing which I greatly fear comes upon me, and that of which I am afraid befalls me.
And then he said the most powerful statement:
When you operate in fear, it actually connects you to the thing you are afraid of.
WOW!!!!!!!
What an amazing statement.... one that shook me to my core.... I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN FEAR ANYMORE..... AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I DO NOT WANT TO BE CONNECTED TO him ANYMORE!!!
Anyway he went on to speak that all fear is centered in unbelief... so, if that is true I am saying that I do not believe that my God is big enough, strong enough, loving enough to take care of me and conquer "him".....
IT IS TIME FOR SOME SERIOUS MIND and HEART ADJUSTMENT!!!!!!!!!
I had never thought of fear like that before....
and then..... God is just the neatest!!!..... - He really is amazing me so much these days ( sorry God-- I know that your miracles have been surrounding me everyday -all my life-- sorry I have missed seeing so many of them!!!) anyway.... I digress... Carolyn... my SS teacher came up today-- I was at lunch-so I missed her... but I called her to tell her to have a safe trip and to tell her I was sorry I missed her and I told her that I heard Creflo Dollar speak on fear today and it really made an impact on me. And YEAH GOD-- what does she do... she quoted Job 3:25 ( the exact verse that was on Creflo today...) and then spoke about how fear was really just unbelief!!!! ( see my GOD KNOWS I need repletion!!!lol-- keep it up God--keep it up!!!)
Anyway- I believe it is time that I dig in and re-evaluate what all I DO NOT need to fear..... especially 'him' and step out of the way and let my BIG, AWESOME, AWE-INSPIRING, MAGNIFICENT FATHER go to work on my behalf!! I want to get rid of my unbelief God... please bring the people, places, blogs, and circumstances into my life to show me all I need to learn! and ( referencing the retreat 1 year ago today...... TRANSFORM me into that butterfly!!!!!)
VOICE OF TRUTH-- CASTING CROWNS
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
"Boy, you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says,
"This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again.
"Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen
to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth!!!
Nitty Gritty Blog- amazing
http://jodyferlaak.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-just-have-to-say-it.html
From another amzing blog I follow-- Nitty Gritty- thank you Lord for the ones that went before me, to the ones YOU have led me to and to the future where He promises to make all things new!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I just have to say it.
Faith is hard!I have people say to me from time to time, "I wish I had a faith like yours". I hesitate to tell them the truth, and that is that faith comes through trials and adversity, more often than not. My own faith has grown more in times when my world is falling apart than it ever has when things are going well and life is rosy. The times when I've had no strength to stand on my own, I've had to turn to someone. He has been there without fail, every single time. And my faith has increased.When I've needed Him most; when there have been no answers; when tears and anger and sorrow consumed me, my faith has been enlarged and peace has flooded my soul.Even though I have had to cling to my faith, it still is a hard thing for me to accept that sorrow and suffering are ways that God chooses to reveal Himself to us at times. I wish there were 'easier ways'. I wish that we could call on Him and He would snap His fingers or whisper a healing word and all would be right again.But that's not the way God works. Although He can and He does sometimes. More often than not though, His ways are not the way we would choose or expect them to go. He has a plan and He has given us His Promise that He will make all things new. He is preparing a Heaven for us that will be a place without mourning, sorrow or pain. He holds us in His hands right now, and simply asks us to trust His ways.I will be the first to admit that there's no better place to be than resting in His hands- trusting fully in His promises- but it's still hard. It's very, very hard. But I trust. I rest in His promises.I hold fast to the reality that there is more to this life than that which we can see.There is Hope, and not just hope for tomorrow.But Hope eternal.And that, my friends, makes faith worth the pain and struggle and gives cause to endure.He is Faithful.He is Love.He is Hope.My heart is thankful that He is more than enough. He is all I need.
From another amzing blog I follow-- Nitty Gritty- thank you Lord for the ones that went before me, to the ones YOU have led me to and to the future where He promises to make all things new!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I just have to say it.
Faith is hard!I have people say to me from time to time, "I wish I had a faith like yours". I hesitate to tell them the truth, and that is that faith comes through trials and adversity, more often than not. My own faith has grown more in times when my world is falling apart than it ever has when things are going well and life is rosy. The times when I've had no strength to stand on my own, I've had to turn to someone. He has been there without fail, every single time. And my faith has increased.When I've needed Him most; when there have been no answers; when tears and anger and sorrow consumed me, my faith has been enlarged and peace has flooded my soul.Even though I have had to cling to my faith, it still is a hard thing for me to accept that sorrow and suffering are ways that God chooses to reveal Himself to us at times. I wish there were 'easier ways'. I wish that we could call on Him and He would snap His fingers or whisper a healing word and all would be right again.But that's not the way God works. Although He can and He does sometimes. More often than not though, His ways are not the way we would choose or expect them to go. He has a plan and He has given us His Promise that He will make all things new. He is preparing a Heaven for us that will be a place without mourning, sorrow or pain. He holds us in His hands right now, and simply asks us to trust His ways.I will be the first to admit that there's no better place to be than resting in His hands- trusting fully in His promises- but it's still hard. It's very, very hard. But I trust. I rest in His promises.I hold fast to the reality that there is more to this life than that which we can see.There is Hope, and not just hope for tomorrow.But Hope eternal.And that, my friends, makes faith worth the pain and struggle and gives cause to endure.He is Faithful.He is Love.He is Hope.My heart is thankful that He is more than enough. He is all I need.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
More lessons learned from blog-land
This is from one of my favorite blogs-- by a very SPECIAL person that has been thru her own horrific pain this last year. She has blessed me so... and still does.... again... not sure how I came across her blog- but she is a true blessing to many! Again-- I hope the authors do not mind me capturing there words on my blog... I hope to one day look back and see the journey that God has brought me thru with all these daily walks...
You can find sweet Angie and her story here....
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
here she is discussing how she was reading the Easter story to her girls and God gave her a new revelation... one which I admire and hope to learn from:
They nailed Jesus to the cross.
"Father, forgive them, " Jesus gasped. "They don't understand what they are doing."
"You say you have come to rescue us!" people shouted. "But you can't even rescue yourself!"
But they were wrong. Jesus could have rescued himself. A legion of angels would have flown to his side-if he'd called.
"If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!" they said.
And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, he could have just said a word and made it all stop. Like when he healed the little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5000 people.
But Jesus stayed.
You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there.
It was love.
For some reason, I hadn't quite thought it through in those terms, and I was rendered speechless by the infinite power that was denied for the sake of love.
It is, for me, one of the simplest and most powerful ways to present the Gospel, even stretching into our lives today.
"Angie, why do you choose to be crucified with Christ? You have the choice to abandon it all...just walk away and say that this whole thing is too hard. You need a break. You aren't strong enough to feel the scabs forming over and the taste of blood in your mouth..."
Suddenly it was very clear to me that it has never been the nails that held me here.
It has been love.
Deep, desperate, longing love for the One Who was mocked on my behalf. And worse yet, I have been that voice at times in my life.
And this year, I realized that since the day I first heard His name, I had two choices.
Be crucified with Him, or climb down.
I have felt the sting of death deeply, for the first time in my life, and there was never the option to walk away. Not because I couldn't, but rather, because I was blessed in the most unexpected way to invite the nails that held me to Him.
"Sweet child. The nails are not enough to hold you here. You can only live the life I am calling you to through the love I have given you. The love which now has taken up residence in your very being, and makes the wounds bearable..."
He beckons us to nestle deep into the brokenness and find inexplicable comfort. He woos us to touch His bleeding side so we will know that we are not alone.
I can tell you that I have done this, and I have been rescued from a pit so deep I could not fathom a way out of it. You may be down there right now, begging for mercy and for relief. I understand, and I hurt for you, but this year, I have learned about a part of myself I didn't know existed, and as crazy as it sounds, I want you to think about it and see if it makes any sense to you.
We who are followers of the King must daily wake up and look in the mirror, seeing our reflection with a crown of thorns balanced on our heads. We must feel the burden of the cross at different points in our life, and with the power of Christ Himself, we will look solemnly back at ourselves and say, "I am choosing to bear the crown because I cannot live without the love..."
That's easy to say, isn't it? Will you trust me enough to try it? Tell Him, the One who knows your deepest fears and most secret desperation, that you are choosing the thorns. Everyday.
And one day, not so far from now, I believe we will be made complete, and pain will cease completely.
Oh, Lord, come quickly.
But until then, make your life an offering, and allow the hands of the Father to carry You through what you think is impossible.
I assure you that through it, He will show You His boundless, freeing love, which allows us the strength to make it another day.
And another day.
And then, one glorious day, He will call for us.
I can't prove it to you, but I know it deep, deep within myself.
The stone has been moved.
He is Risen.
And I love Him, even in the excruciating pain I feel. Honestly, if you are trying to pursue relationship out of forced conviction, you will miss out on the glory of falling in love with the Maker of your soul. There is such a difference between religion and relationship. I could not have survived without the latter, I assure you.
Because, you see, the thing about the nails in this life is that they are temporary. We choose to bear them because we know that we will lay our crowns at His feet in the blink of an eye. We will join Him for eternity, and will worship the One Who was scarred on our behalf.
I am praying for each of you as you arise tomorrow morning. I am praying that you will see the crown of thorns as a promise. Yes, it is painful, and yes, sometimes we struggle under the weight of it, but no, it will not defeat us.
And that is a promise I needed to remember as I celebrated what would have been Audrey's First Birthday. It isn't something superhuman or overly spiritual, just the daily remembrance of a life lived out off the depths of love.
We praise Your name, Lord. For You are Who You say You are.
And that is enough.
Thank you Angie.... for sharing your heart!
You can find sweet Angie and her story here....
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
here she is discussing how she was reading the Easter story to her girls and God gave her a new revelation... one which I admire and hope to learn from:
They nailed Jesus to the cross.
"Father, forgive them, " Jesus gasped. "They don't understand what they are doing."
"You say you have come to rescue us!" people shouted. "But you can't even rescue yourself!"
But they were wrong. Jesus could have rescued himself. A legion of angels would have flown to his side-if he'd called.
"If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!" they said.
And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, he could have just said a word and made it all stop. Like when he healed the little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5000 people.
But Jesus stayed.
You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there.
It was love.
For some reason, I hadn't quite thought it through in those terms, and I was rendered speechless by the infinite power that was denied for the sake of love.
It is, for me, one of the simplest and most powerful ways to present the Gospel, even stretching into our lives today.
"Angie, why do you choose to be crucified with Christ? You have the choice to abandon it all...just walk away and say that this whole thing is too hard. You need a break. You aren't strong enough to feel the scabs forming over and the taste of blood in your mouth..."
Suddenly it was very clear to me that it has never been the nails that held me here.
It has been love.
Deep, desperate, longing love for the One Who was mocked on my behalf. And worse yet, I have been that voice at times in my life.
And this year, I realized that since the day I first heard His name, I had two choices.
Be crucified with Him, or climb down.
I have felt the sting of death deeply, for the first time in my life, and there was never the option to walk away. Not because I couldn't, but rather, because I was blessed in the most unexpected way to invite the nails that held me to Him.
"Sweet child. The nails are not enough to hold you here. You can only live the life I am calling you to through the love I have given you. The love which now has taken up residence in your very being, and makes the wounds bearable..."
He beckons us to nestle deep into the brokenness and find inexplicable comfort. He woos us to touch His bleeding side so we will know that we are not alone.
I can tell you that I have done this, and I have been rescued from a pit so deep I could not fathom a way out of it. You may be down there right now, begging for mercy and for relief. I understand, and I hurt for you, but this year, I have learned about a part of myself I didn't know existed, and as crazy as it sounds, I want you to think about it and see if it makes any sense to you.
We who are followers of the King must daily wake up and look in the mirror, seeing our reflection with a crown of thorns balanced on our heads. We must feel the burden of the cross at different points in our life, and with the power of Christ Himself, we will look solemnly back at ourselves and say, "I am choosing to bear the crown because I cannot live without the love..."
That's easy to say, isn't it? Will you trust me enough to try it? Tell Him, the One who knows your deepest fears and most secret desperation, that you are choosing the thorns. Everyday.
And one day, not so far from now, I believe we will be made complete, and pain will cease completely.
Oh, Lord, come quickly.
But until then, make your life an offering, and allow the hands of the Father to carry You through what you think is impossible.
I assure you that through it, He will show You His boundless, freeing love, which allows us the strength to make it another day.
And another day.
And then, one glorious day, He will call for us.
I can't prove it to you, but I know it deep, deep within myself.
The stone has been moved.
He is Risen.
And I love Him, even in the excruciating pain I feel. Honestly, if you are trying to pursue relationship out of forced conviction, you will miss out on the glory of falling in love with the Maker of your soul. There is such a difference between religion and relationship. I could not have survived without the latter, I assure you.
Because, you see, the thing about the nails in this life is that they are temporary. We choose to bear them because we know that we will lay our crowns at His feet in the blink of an eye. We will join Him for eternity, and will worship the One Who was scarred on our behalf.
I am praying for each of you as you arise tomorrow morning. I am praying that you will see the crown of thorns as a promise. Yes, it is painful, and yes, sometimes we struggle under the weight of it, but no, it will not defeat us.
And that is a promise I needed to remember as I celebrated what would have been Audrey's First Birthday. It isn't something superhuman or overly spiritual, just the daily remembrance of a life lived out off the depths of love.
We praise Your name, Lord. For You are Who You say You are.
And that is enough.
Thank you Angie.... for sharing your heart!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Hmmm.... there's your sign..... :)
Ok- first a big thanks to all who prayed me thru today's initial counseling session. I DID NOT FALL APART!!! THAT IS HUGE FOR ME!!!! I am a very emotional person anyway... and with the "MESS" things are all magnified!! BUT my God is a BIG God!!! and HE is seeing me thru! Praise God!!!!!
It was hard to walk thru those doors- but I had a peace. ( after much deep breathing and claiming God as my King!!) My God IS a BIG GOD!!!! And I know that He is leading me down roads and thru doors to reclaim what is MINE and make memories that are not riddled with hurtful thoughts from the past. They say to conquer you can't just forget- you have to replace... and I am READY TO REPLACE ALL OF THESE HORRIFIC MEMORIES!!!!
Anyway, the counselor seem nice, ( I am wondering if he is too nice... I need someone to give me a swift kick in the hind end----) but I must remember that God brought me here... now.... and He knows what is best for me and Chase!
Can you picture it???? 1 hour, with a nice stranger, to try to tell about the past 22 year's highlights-- or should I say low lights, to try to explain that both Chase and I need to be "fixed"... and we need this stranger's help to do it. Yep-- I must say I think this "mess" takes the prize... the astounded looks were flying around the room for sure! I handled it with laughter.. my new mask... but hey-- easier on the makeup than the tears for sure!!! I only teared up twice... and both of those instances involved speaking about Chase and how he has handled the pain.
Anyway- his credentials seem good... he has alot of background with teenagers... and most importantly.... God put me here! so next week, Lord willing, both Chase and I will return to MMBA.
But here is your sign.... when your counselor asks to pray with you before you leave, and then says that he wants YOU to pray for him too....( with an deer in the head-light look on his face)...... THERE'S YOUR SIGN.... I did good... yea God.... I just said "ok, no problem... it's overwhelming isn't it....??????"
ANYWAY.... tomorrow is another day!
By the way..... the counselor's name is B.J.---- lift him up for me will you?????
I reached out to different places about counseling for Chase and I and asked God to close the doors that needed to close and open the ones that needed to be opened.
(by the way, HE IS REAL GOOD AT THAT-- as 2/18/09 can attest to!!!)
Anyway, I have found myself back at the McMinn- Meigs Baptist Center, a place that I have been before many times... in what I thought was marriage counseling with you know who ( sorry-hard to say or write that person's name)- any way... I am back... but this time to truly HEAL!!!!!It was hard to walk thru those doors- but I had a peace. ( after much deep breathing and claiming God as my King!!) My God IS a BIG GOD!!!! And I know that He is leading me down roads and thru doors to reclaim what is MINE and make memories that are not riddled with hurtful thoughts from the past. They say to conquer you can't just forget- you have to replace... and I am READY TO REPLACE ALL OF THESE HORRIFIC MEMORIES!!!!
Anyway, the counselor seem nice, ( I am wondering if he is too nice... I need someone to give me a swift kick in the hind end----) but I must remember that God brought me here... now.... and He knows what is best for me and Chase!
Can you picture it???? 1 hour, with a nice stranger, to try to tell about the past 22 year's highlights-- or should I say low lights, to try to explain that both Chase and I need to be "fixed"... and we need this stranger's help to do it. Yep-- I must say I think this "mess" takes the prize... the astounded looks were flying around the room for sure! I handled it with laughter.. my new mask... but hey-- easier on the makeup than the tears for sure!!! I only teared up twice... and both of those instances involved speaking about Chase and how he has handled the pain.
Anyway- his credentials seem good... he has alot of background with teenagers... and most importantly.... God put me here! so next week, Lord willing, both Chase and I will return to MMBA.
But here is your sign.... when your counselor asks to pray with you before you leave, and then says that he wants YOU to pray for him too....( with an deer in the head-light look on his face)...... THERE'S YOUR SIGN.... I did good... yea God.... I just said "ok, no problem... it's overwhelming isn't it....??????"
ANYWAY.... tomorrow is another day!
By the way..... the counselor's name is B.J.---- lift him up for me will you?????
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Getting Rid of the Leaven
Carolyn, my SS teacher taught on the Jewish tradition at passover to get rid of the Leaven. Which led to alot of soul searching and prayer.
There has been much upheaval in my life the last 7 weeks, ( it doesn't feel like it has been less that 2 months... it seems like this has been forever... wonder what that means..) and ANYONE who knows me at all knows I do not like CHANGED!!! but God had been speaking to me in His still small voice about getting Craig's stuff out of my home. You see.. he had space not only in my life, my heart,-but my home. He had drawers with his stuff here. clothes that he kept here- taking up room in the dresser. I had the gifts he had given me even as late as this Christmas all over the house-- where it hit me every day like the sucker punch that it is. I had a nightstand full of his letters, I had every gift he had ever given me, I had the workbooks from our marriage seminars and counseling sessions-- all right next to where I laid my head every evening. I had my 'wedding closet' ( as my friends so aptly put it) full of things to run away to my wedding all ready to go-- right down to the undies and jewelry)--
I know-- ISSUES right... !!! Yes- there are issues there-- but they were CAUSED by the lies and promises someone kept making to me... right up until his last visit on 2/11/2009. I so am ready to lay this life down and press on to the one that my Father has for me and my son!!
But- I still have some work to do--- some lessons to learn.... some deep wounds to heal. But I DO know that it is time to GET RID OF THE LEAVEN! And God showed me that this passover season was HIS time that HE designated for me to remove that stuff from my home!
Purging Leaven From the House (Bedikat HaMetz)
God gave a ceremony of searching and removing leaven from the house prior to the festival of Unleavened Bread in preparation for the festival. In Hebrew, this ceremony is called Bedikat HaMetz, which means "the search for leaven" The ceremony is as follows:
The preparation for searching and removing the leaven (Bedikat HaMetz) from the house actually begins before Passover (Pesach). First, the wife thoroughly cleans the house to remove all leaven (HaMetz) from it. In the Bible, leaven (HaMetz) is symbolic of sin.
Spiritual Application (Halacha). Spiritually, the believers in the Messiah Yeshua are the house of G-d (Hebrews 3:6; 1 Peter 2:5; 1 Timothy 3:15; Ephesians 2:19). Leaven (sin) is to be cleaned out of our house, which is our body (1 Corinthians 3:16-17; 6:19-20; 2 Corinthians 6:15-18).
In cleaning the house, the wife is instructed to purposely leave ten small pieces of leaven (bread) in the house. Then the father takes the children, along with a candle, a wooden spoon, a feather, and a piece of linen cloth, and searches through the house for the ten pieces of leaven. By nightfall on the day before Passover (Pesach), a final and comprehensive search is performed. At this time, the house is completely dark except for the candles. Once the father finds the leaven (bread), he sets the candle down by the leaven and lays the wooden spoon beside the leaven. Then he uses the feather to sweep the leaven onto the spoon. Without touching the leaven, he takes the feather, spoon, and leaven, wraps them in a linen cloth, and casts them out of the door of the house. The next morning (the fourteenth of Nisan), he goes into the synagogue and puts the linen cloth and its contents into a fire to be burned.
Spiritual Application (Halacha). Spiritually, we are to cleanse the leaven (sin) from our houses (lives) by allowing the Holy Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh) to reveal to us, through the knowledge of Yeshua and the Scriptures, the sin that is in our lives. It is only through G-d's Word that we are able to identify sin in our lives as it is written in Psalm (Tehillim) 119:105, "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." So the spiritual understanding of the candle is that it represents the Word of G-d. The feather represents the Holy Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh). Even though we have the Word of G-d, we need the Spirit of G-d (Ruach HaKodesh) to illuminate the entire Bible to us, including the Torah and the Tanach (1 Corinthians 2:11-14).
Messianic Fulfillment. The spoon represents the tree that Yeshua died upon (Deuteronomy [Devarim 21:22-23). The leaven (HaMetz) (sin) was swept on the spoon (the tree) as part of the ceremony. Likewise, our sin was swept or cast upon Yeshua (2 Corinthians 5:21) when Yeshua died upon the tree. The leaven (Yeshua upon the tree) was then wrapped in linen and Yeshua was cast out of His house (His body) and went to hell, which is a place of burning (Luke 16:19-24). Thus He fulfilled the part of the ceremony where the father takes the linen cloth and its contents and casts it into the fire to be burned.
From Loss to Prophetic Fulfillment
Chuck D. Pierce Newsletters - Prophetic Insight
found at http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/prophetic-insight/20264-from-loss-to-prophetic-fulfillment
Many of you have heard my family's testimony of overcoming barrenness. The Lord sovereignly healed my wife, Pam, in 1984. She immediately became pregnant, and pregnant again. However, we knew that the faith promise we had received in 1980 of having twins had never been fulfilled by the Lord.
In 1987, after adopting two children and having two natural children, Pam again became pregnant. However, this time we noticed that she was getting larger more quickly than she had with the first two pregnancies. We learned that this was because she indeed was carrying twins! What God had promised was now in motion.
Pam carried the babies to term, and on February 6, 1988, she gave birth to two beautiful identical twin boys, whom we named Jesse David and Jacob Levi. God's promise had been fulfilled!
But something was wrong in their new little bodies. One baby had a serious heart problem, and the other had a serious liver problem. Within one week of their birth, both of our new sons died.
I watched as they were born, and I held them as they died. The grief and mourning were almost overwhelming. The promise of these twins had been the reason that we could believe the barrenness in our lives would be broken, and now, just as it was being fulfilled, that promise had died.
How were we to react? We knew the Lord well enough to know that He was faithful. Actually, what we believed He had promised us had in fact manifested. Had we done something wrong? Were we to keep trusting? Just how were our emotions to be acting?
I was going back and forth between Dallas (visiting the hospital where the twins were being treated) and Denton (where Pam was in the hospital recovering from a C-section). How were we each allowing the Lord to deal with us? How would we process this together? Would we keep progressing?
When the second of our twins died, we had an outdoor memorial service for him. During that service, Pam stood up and sang a beautiful song out over the field where they were interred. It was an incredible moment.
One week after the death of the second baby, a friend called and said she had a real problem with the fact that God had allowed the boys' deaths. She was also having a problem with how Pam was dealing with this trauma—with seemingly unshakable faith.
One of the most impacting things I have ever heard anyone say came from my wife's mouth that day. Pam told our friend, "If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that the quicker I submit to the hand of God, the quicker I can resist the devil. I have chosen to submit to God's hand in this circumstance. And in submitting to the hand of God, He will give me the ability to overcome the enemy so that the double portion that has been robbed will be returned."
The Lord was speaking through my wonderful wife. Those words went deep into my spirit, and I have carried them since that time.
Here's how this applies to you: Even when you don't understand what has happened in your life, in the midst of your loss and resulting grief, you need to learn to submit quickly to God's greater plan for your life.
When we submit, we stand under. The concept of submitting is the act of allowing the wing of His goodness and grace to spread over us and shelter us from the accusatory thoughts of the enemy, the fray of the world and the condemnation of our own mistakes. If we always submit our lives to God, then we can resist the roadblocks in our destined path.
Truly, Pam and I eventually learned from this situation that loss has great benefit when we submit. We must allow God to work our situations for good and respond to His love no matter how difficult our circumstances may be.
Pam and I both were able to recognize that even in this trauma of the loss of two children, God was working out a higher-level promise of restoration on our behalf. Loss can produce a great acknowledgement of God within us if we submit to His hand.
Those incredibly hard things that we go through will truly become some sort of blessing in the hand of the Lord and will produce a greater prophetic fulfillment in our lives. Yes, a sad, bad, unbearable time can become a joy-filled moment when we place that moment in the hand of God and give Him thanks for the moment.
Time then takes a turn. The harsh memory of pain from the loss of expected joy can now be redeemed. That situation can become a transforming work of grace that can be seen in you for a lifetime.
Thank you God for the friends you have placed in my life to guide and affirm me. Thank you for loving me enough to ALWAYS be there for me! Thank you for never giving up on me and helping me to see that YOUR ways are not my ways--- but YOUR ways are the best for me. Thank you for loving me enough to send your son to die on the cross for me so that today I can claim a victory in you! Thank you for helping me identify the leaven in my life and giving the strength to get rid of it!!!
My prayer is that this RESURRECTION SUNDAY is not only remembrance of the rolling away of the stone for our risen SAVIOR, but TRANSFORMATION of a new life for me and Chase as we begin a journey that will take us to new and better places!
There has been much upheaval in my life the last 7 weeks, ( it doesn't feel like it has been less that 2 months... it seems like this has been forever... wonder what that means..) and ANYONE who knows me at all knows I do not like CHANGED!!! but God had been speaking to me in His still small voice about getting Craig's stuff out of my home. You see.. he had space not only in my life, my heart,-but my home. He had drawers with his stuff here. clothes that he kept here- taking up room in the dresser. I had the gifts he had given me even as late as this Christmas all over the house-- where it hit me every day like the sucker punch that it is. I had a nightstand full of his letters, I had every gift he had ever given me, I had the workbooks from our marriage seminars and counseling sessions-- all right next to where I laid my head every evening. I had my 'wedding closet' ( as my friends so aptly put it) full of things to run away to my wedding all ready to go-- right down to the undies and jewelry)--
I know-- ISSUES right... !!! Yes- there are issues there-- but they were CAUSED by the lies and promises someone kept making to me... right up until his last visit on 2/11/2009. I so am ready to lay this life down and press on to the one that my Father has for me and my son!!
But- I still have some work to do--- some lessons to learn.... some deep wounds to heal. But I DO know that it is time to GET RID OF THE LEAVEN! And God showed me that this passover season was HIS time that HE designated for me to remove that stuff from my home!
Purging Leaven From the House (Bedikat HaMetz)
God gave a ceremony of searching and removing leaven from the house prior to the festival of Unleavened Bread in preparation for the festival. In Hebrew, this ceremony is called Bedikat HaMetz, which means "the search for leaven" The ceremony is as follows:
The preparation for searching and removing the leaven (Bedikat HaMetz) from the house actually begins before Passover (Pesach). First, the wife thoroughly cleans the house to remove all leaven (HaMetz) from it. In the Bible, leaven (HaMetz) is symbolic of sin.
Spiritual Application (Halacha). Spiritually, the believers in the Messiah Yeshua are the house of G-d (Hebrews 3:6; 1 Peter 2:5; 1 Timothy 3:15; Ephesians 2:19). Leaven (sin) is to be cleaned out of our house, which is our body (1 Corinthians 3:16-17; 6:19-20; 2 Corinthians 6:15-18).
In cleaning the house, the wife is instructed to purposely leave ten small pieces of leaven (bread) in the house. Then the father takes the children, along with a candle, a wooden spoon, a feather, and a piece of linen cloth, and searches through the house for the ten pieces of leaven. By nightfall on the day before Passover (Pesach), a final and comprehensive search is performed. At this time, the house is completely dark except for the candles. Once the father finds the leaven (bread), he sets the candle down by the leaven and lays the wooden spoon beside the leaven. Then he uses the feather to sweep the leaven onto the spoon. Without touching the leaven, he takes the feather, spoon, and leaven, wraps them in a linen cloth, and casts them out of the door of the house. The next morning (the fourteenth of Nisan), he goes into the synagogue and puts the linen cloth and its contents into a fire to be burned.
Spiritual Application (Halacha). Spiritually, we are to cleanse the leaven (sin) from our houses (lives) by allowing the Holy Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh) to reveal to us, through the knowledge of Yeshua and the Scriptures, the sin that is in our lives. It is only through G-d's Word that we are able to identify sin in our lives as it is written in Psalm (Tehillim) 119:105, "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." So the spiritual understanding of the candle is that it represents the Word of G-d. The feather represents the Holy Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh). Even though we have the Word of G-d, we need the Spirit of G-d (Ruach HaKodesh) to illuminate the entire Bible to us, including the Torah and the Tanach (1 Corinthians 2:11-14).
Messianic Fulfillment. The spoon represents the tree that Yeshua died upon (Deuteronomy [Devarim 21:22-23). The leaven (HaMetz) (sin) was swept on the spoon (the tree) as part of the ceremony. Likewise, our sin was swept or cast upon Yeshua (2 Corinthians 5:21) when Yeshua died upon the tree. The leaven (Yeshua upon the tree) was then wrapped in linen and Yeshua was cast out of His house (His body) and went to hell, which is a place of burning (Luke 16:19-24). Thus He fulfilled the part of the ceremony where the father takes the linen cloth and its contents and casts it into the fire to be burned.
From Loss to Prophetic Fulfillment
Chuck D. Pierce Newsletters - Prophetic Insight
found at http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/prophetic-insight/20264-from-loss-to-prophetic-fulfillment
Many of you have heard my family's testimony of overcoming barrenness. The Lord sovereignly healed my wife, Pam, in 1984. She immediately became pregnant, and pregnant again. However, we knew that the faith promise we had received in 1980 of having twins had never been fulfilled by the Lord.
In 1987, after adopting two children and having two natural children, Pam again became pregnant. However, this time we noticed that she was getting larger more quickly than she had with the first two pregnancies. We learned that this was because she indeed was carrying twins! What God had promised was now in motion.
Pam carried the babies to term, and on February 6, 1988, she gave birth to two beautiful identical twin boys, whom we named Jesse David and Jacob Levi. God's promise had been fulfilled!
But something was wrong in their new little bodies. One baby had a serious heart problem, and the other had a serious liver problem. Within one week of their birth, both of our new sons died.
I watched as they were born, and I held them as they died. The grief and mourning were almost overwhelming. The promise of these twins had been the reason that we could believe the barrenness in our lives would be broken, and now, just as it was being fulfilled, that promise had died.
How were we to react? We knew the Lord well enough to know that He was faithful. Actually, what we believed He had promised us had in fact manifested. Had we done something wrong? Were we to keep trusting? Just how were our emotions to be acting?
I was going back and forth between Dallas (visiting the hospital where the twins were being treated) and Denton (where Pam was in the hospital recovering from a C-section). How were we each allowing the Lord to deal with us? How would we process this together? Would we keep progressing?
When the second of our twins died, we had an outdoor memorial service for him. During that service, Pam stood up and sang a beautiful song out over the field where they were interred. It was an incredible moment.
One week after the death of the second baby, a friend called and said she had a real problem with the fact that God had allowed the boys' deaths. She was also having a problem with how Pam was dealing with this trauma—with seemingly unshakable faith.
One of the most impacting things I have ever heard anyone say came from my wife's mouth that day. Pam told our friend, "If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that the quicker I submit to the hand of God, the quicker I can resist the devil. I have chosen to submit to God's hand in this circumstance. And in submitting to the hand of God, He will give me the ability to overcome the enemy so that the double portion that has been robbed will be returned."
The Lord was speaking through my wonderful wife. Those words went deep into my spirit, and I have carried them since that time.
Here's how this applies to you: Even when you don't understand what has happened in your life, in the midst of your loss and resulting grief, you need to learn to submit quickly to God's greater plan for your life.
When we submit, we stand under. The concept of submitting is the act of allowing the wing of His goodness and grace to spread over us and shelter us from the accusatory thoughts of the enemy, the fray of the world and the condemnation of our own mistakes. If we always submit our lives to God, then we can resist the roadblocks in our destined path.
Truly, Pam and I eventually learned from this situation that loss has great benefit when we submit. We must allow God to work our situations for good and respond to His love no matter how difficult our circumstances may be.
Pam and I both were able to recognize that even in this trauma of the loss of two children, God was working out a higher-level promise of restoration on our behalf. Loss can produce a great acknowledgement of God within us if we submit to His hand.
Those incredibly hard things that we go through will truly become some sort of blessing in the hand of the Lord and will produce a greater prophetic fulfillment in our lives. Yes, a sad, bad, unbearable time can become a joy-filled moment when we place that moment in the hand of God and give Him thanks for the moment.
Time then takes a turn. The harsh memory of pain from the loss of expected joy can now be redeemed. That situation can become a transforming work of grace that can be seen in you for a lifetime.
Thank you God for the friends you have placed in my life to guide and affirm me. Thank you for loving me enough to ALWAYS be there for me! Thank you for never giving up on me and helping me to see that YOUR ways are not my ways--- but YOUR ways are the best for me. Thank you for loving me enough to send your son to die on the cross for me so that today I can claim a victory in you! Thank you for helping me identify the leaven in my life and giving the strength to get rid of it!!!
My prayer is that this RESURRECTION SUNDAY is not only remembrance of the rolling away of the stone for our risen SAVIOR, but TRANSFORMATION of a new life for me and Chase as we begin a journey that will take us to new and better places!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Lovin' the Bunny!
Today was the City's Easter Egg Hunt.... I PERSONALLY thought the BUNNY WAS AWESOME!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Beauty for Ashes
Once again- God blesses with the blogs.....
I hope the authors do not mind- me taking their words... but they have been so helpful... and in these times when it is still hard for me to get my mind around my own thoughts... I do so want to have a record of where my God is leading me ... and the path that I KNOW will lead me to the High Places.....
Kerry Hasenblag
http://www.kerryhasenbalg.typepad.com/
April 03, 2009
God's Rate of Exchange
One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple. Psalm 27:4
Oh, Lord, may this truly be the “one thing” we ask and desire above all else. We desperately need the beauty and wisdom of your presence to replace our pain and confusion.
“Beauty for Ashes. Life for death. Cleansing for sin. Joy for sorrow. These are God’s rates of exchange. These are the necessary funds that we are to bring in our commerce. Our minds do not perceive nor comprehend this divine exchange, but our spirits know and rejoice. We have nothing to bring but these products of our old nature, but God turns them to beauty, to joy, to hope. We must choose to see and behold how blessed are those who trust in God.” (Helms excerpt)
If we will take the “risk” and “let go” of the ashes, the death, the sin and the sorrow that so many of us are carrying around, if we will turn them over, entrusting them into the Hands of the Lord, we will “know” at last that what we receive in exchange from His hand is freedom, healing, joy, beauty and life!
In my writings several years ago, I was addressing some of the unexpected and difficult issues that can arise in the adoption process or in the lives of orphaned children. In this series, I shared a story about a boy with broken toys who was seeking the toymaker for help. And I believe this story is applicable not only in the disappointments we often face in serving vulnerable children but also in many other aspects of our Christian walks as well.
We know God is at work giving us beauty for our ashes, but sadly, there are many times when the ashes seem to remain even after we have poured our hearts and souls into a cure.
There once was a boy who had many broken toys. So, this boy took his toys to the toymaker and asked, “Will you fix my broken toys?” The toymaker replied, “I most certainly will.” The next day the little boy looked at his toys and much to his disappointment he saw that his toys were still broken, so he asked the toymaker again, “Will you please fix my broken toys?” And again the toymaker replied exactly as He did the first time, “Yes, I most certainly will.” The following day the boy looked and once again found that his toys were still broken. So, he decided to ask the toymaker a different question, “Sir, if you said you would fix my broken toys, why have you not done it yet?” And the toymaker answered, “Because you will not let go of them!”
In order for God to turn our ashes into beauty, we must be willing to let go and entrust our ashes to Him! As we bring our ashes to the foot of the cross, let us believe that He will be faithful to exchange our ashes for beauty in His time and in His way.
And when we are wiling to take this "risk" and really "let go"of our controlling and fearful grip on these things, we will finally have the opportunity to “see” for ourselves how things work in the Lord’s economy. And I believe the experiencing of this exchange process is what builds our trust in God and teaches us to desire His blessed presence with an undivided heart in all things and above all things.
(Recommended Reading for those struggling - "Let Go" by Francois Fenelon)
I hope the authors do not mind- me taking their words... but they have been so helpful... and in these times when it is still hard for me to get my mind around my own thoughts... I do so want to have a record of where my God is leading me ... and the path that I KNOW will lead me to the High Places.....
Kerry Hasenblag
http://www.kerryhasenbalg.typepad.com/
April 03, 2009
God's Rate of Exchange
One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple. Psalm 27:4
Oh, Lord, may this truly be the “one thing” we ask and desire above all else. We desperately need the beauty and wisdom of your presence to replace our pain and confusion.
“Beauty for Ashes. Life for death. Cleansing for sin. Joy for sorrow. These are God’s rates of exchange. These are the necessary funds that we are to bring in our commerce. Our minds do not perceive nor comprehend this divine exchange, but our spirits know and rejoice. We have nothing to bring but these products of our old nature, but God turns them to beauty, to joy, to hope. We must choose to see and behold how blessed are those who trust in God.” (Helms excerpt)
If we will take the “risk” and “let go” of the ashes, the death, the sin and the sorrow that so many of us are carrying around, if we will turn them over, entrusting them into the Hands of the Lord, we will “know” at last that what we receive in exchange from His hand is freedom, healing, joy, beauty and life!
In my writings several years ago, I was addressing some of the unexpected and difficult issues that can arise in the adoption process or in the lives of orphaned children. In this series, I shared a story about a boy with broken toys who was seeking the toymaker for help. And I believe this story is applicable not only in the disappointments we often face in serving vulnerable children but also in many other aspects of our Christian walks as well.
We know God is at work giving us beauty for our ashes, but sadly, there are many times when the ashes seem to remain even after we have poured our hearts and souls into a cure.
There once was a boy who had many broken toys. So, this boy took his toys to the toymaker and asked, “Will you fix my broken toys?” The toymaker replied, “I most certainly will.” The next day the little boy looked at his toys and much to his disappointment he saw that his toys were still broken, so he asked the toymaker again, “Will you please fix my broken toys?” And again the toymaker replied exactly as He did the first time, “Yes, I most certainly will.” The following day the boy looked and once again found that his toys were still broken. So, he decided to ask the toymaker a different question, “Sir, if you said you would fix my broken toys, why have you not done it yet?” And the toymaker answered, “Because you will not let go of them!”
In order for God to turn our ashes into beauty, we must be willing to let go and entrust our ashes to Him! As we bring our ashes to the foot of the cross, let us believe that He will be faithful to exchange our ashes for beauty in His time and in His way.
And when we are wiling to take this "risk" and really "let go"of our controlling and fearful grip on these things, we will finally have the opportunity to “see” for ourselves how things work in the Lord’s economy. And I believe the experiencing of this exchange process is what builds our trust in God and teaches us to desire His blessed presence with an undivided heart in all things and above all things.
(Recommended Reading for those struggling - "Let Go" by Francois Fenelon)
From 5 minutes for Faith
http://5minutesforfaith.com/
April 2, 2009
Time in a Bottle
Written by Amy
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1
Have you ever shaken a bottle of something to make what’s inside come out faster? You know… the shampoo bottle, the ketchup bottle, or the squeezable jelly bottle. Sometimes when you shake the contents of a bottle to the opening, you get what’s inside to move faster.
This morning my daughter and I were in the bathroom getting dressed for school. We have those two minute sand timers for the kids to use while brushing their teeth so they know exactly how long to brush. I watched amused as my daughter tapped on the top of the timer trying to get the sand to move through the hole faster. She hates brushing and is always in such a hurry to finish. I tried to explain that timers don’t work the same way as the shampoo bottle. You can’t tap on it or shake it or do anything else to manipulate it to go faster. It’s set for a specific amount of time to pass and nothing we do can change it.
I realized as I explained to my daughter how timers work, that God’s timer works the same way. So often we are in such a hurry to finish what we are doing or what He is calling us to go through, that we try to rush it along. We “tap” or “shake” or manipulate the situation trying to make the time pass faster. No matter what we do, we can’t change the amount of time God has set aside for us to endure certain things. We must trust He knows exactly how long should pass before the last grain of sand falls through and the job is complete.
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Psalm 34:14-16
http://5minutesforfaith.com/
April 2, 2009
Time in a Bottle
Written by Amy
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1
Have you ever shaken a bottle of something to make what’s inside come out faster? You know… the shampoo bottle, the ketchup bottle, or the squeezable jelly bottle. Sometimes when you shake the contents of a bottle to the opening, you get what’s inside to move faster.
This morning my daughter and I were in the bathroom getting dressed for school. We have those two minute sand timers for the kids to use while brushing their teeth so they know exactly how long to brush. I watched amused as my daughter tapped on the top of the timer trying to get the sand to move through the hole faster. She hates brushing and is always in such a hurry to finish. I tried to explain that timers don’t work the same way as the shampoo bottle. You can’t tap on it or shake it or do anything else to manipulate it to go faster. It’s set for a specific amount of time to pass and nothing we do can change it.
I realized as I explained to my daughter how timers work, that God’s timer works the same way. So often we are in such a hurry to finish what we are doing or what He is calling us to go through, that we try to rush it along. We “tap” or “shake” or manipulate the situation trying to make the time pass faster. No matter what we do, we can’t change the amount of time God has set aside for us to endure certain things. We must trust He knows exactly how long should pass before the last grain of sand falls through and the job is complete.
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Psalm 34:14-16
Thursday, April 2, 2009
God's Many Blessings!
Many of you know of my connection to the adoption community thru my wonderful spunky niece Kenli! She is truly a blessing in SO many ways! I knew that she was a blessing from the beginning- even before I ever saw her face. And the many ways she has touched lives already is amazing. BUT, one of the things I never expected was to be introduced to so many different people in blog-land- thru the connections that I originally made thru her blog.
It amazes me how God uses EVERYTHING in our lives to bless us. And it also amazes me how even though my MESS is so different from some of the journeys that others in blog-land are taking.... God uses them and their trials and blessings to minister to me.
There have been so many times in the past few weeks, since the discovery of the truth that is now my reality, that some of the blogs I have been on- though their experience have NOTHING in common with mine... that God has used their experiences to shore me up and comfort me. Here is a part of a message from an mother waiting on God to bring her Lydia Hope...
http://lydiahope.blogspot.com/
He leads me in His way, not mine
The many questions which arise from time to time, concerning the timing of the adoption of Lydia Hope, seem to have been answered recently. I always like to have a reason for why certain things happen or do not happen according to my time frame but as of late I have recognised that God simply wants to demonstrate His sovereignty. He really does have my best in mind and He is continually working EVERYTHING together for the good of my family and especially Lydia. It does not matter that I do not understand why things are not accomplished in my timeframe! I do not see what God sees and what possible dangers He may be keeping us from and what blessings He may wish to bestow upon us. It is not that I have failed miserably, (though I have many, many times) but that is not why the Lord with holds His answers from me during this time. It is not that I have mistaken His calling to step out and adopt this little girl. It is simply that He desires for me to trust Him completely even when things are difficult. He wants me to accept that He does know the route I should take and how long it will take to reach our destination. His way is safer, though longer, and there are many treasures along the way which He has laid before me. Treasures of patience and perseverance and joy. Of contentment in Him alone and denial of myself. There are many wonderful treasures which I would miss if I hurried to the place I desire to be. There are people I would pass by, hurting sisters who are also traveling along this same road. Sometimes this journey can take longer because God wants us to stop and help someone else along the way. This path I have chosen has many unexpected trials and blessings waiting for me and opportunities for me to grow. I am learning more than anything else right now, that I must truly allow Jesus to lead me and stop trying to lead Him. His way is the way I am choosing to travel and if that means it will take longer than I'd have liked, then so be it. I am just thankful that He travels this path with me, side by side.
"Stop interfering with God's plans and with His will. Touching anything of His mars the work. Moving the hands of a clock to suit you does not change the time. You may be able to rush the unfolding of some aspects of God's will, but you harm His work in the long run. You can force a rosebud open, but you spoil the flower. Leave everything to Him, without exception.
God sent me on when I would stay
('Twas cool within the wood);
I did not know the reason why.
I heard a boulder crashing by
'Cross the path where I had stood.
He had me stay when I would go;
"Your will be done" I said.
They found one day at early dawn,
Across the way I would have gone,
A serpent with a mangled head.
I ask no more the reasons why,
Although I may not see
The path ahead, His way I go;
For though I know not, He does know,
And He will choose safe paths for me.
What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. Job 3:25
Although, I have never really been a fearful person, this past year I found myself seriously riddled with fear. I spoke against it, prayed against it, stood against it, and kept taking the fearful thoughts captive; but I was never really totally free from it, at least not for more than a few days at a time. Not free that is until the thing I feared the most happened to me.
I wish I could have been freed another way, a way other than through the loss of another child. But for whatever reason I wasn’t freed beforehand. I couldn’t get myself there. I am sure the problem of becoming free was on my part and not God’s. But with all the spiritual tools I had, I couldn’t figure out how to use them sufficiently to get myself there. I know that we often remain in sin, (and I know fear is sin), because we are still getting something from it, benefiting in some way small way at least. And I suppose I felt that I held some sort of control in my relationship with God by not fully laying down my fear. Perhaps it was as if I thought He would take pity on me because of my fear and grant me this desire for mercy’s sake. Amazing how messed up we humans can be. And I sure am human in this messed up way too.
Anyhow, I fell off that very cliff - the cliff I stared at and feared profoundly this entire year. But as God promised He would, He did in fact catch me before I was crushed. But I really hate that I had to fall again...to really know by experience that He would catch me again. As Job said, (and I paraphrase) I had heard this about God but now I see Him with my own eyes.
I know I did not cause this loss, but the fact that I could not stop fearing that I would lose this one really disappoints me....well, it just plain stinks! I am no longer afraid, at least not now – I am just very sad! I really believe that fear often comes from placing something, some desire, or someone over desiring Him and His presence. I desired the presence of another child more than I desired ONLY Him! Of course I desired Him, but I so wanted Him to show up with child or at least the promise of when and how this desire would be fulfilled. It’s like the child who is waiting for his Daddy to come home, but when his daddy arrives without the gift the child asked for the child shows only disappointment. And the great blessing of the child running into daddy’s arms just because Daddy arrived home is totally eclipsed or even absent all together. I have been that child in my relationship with God, but I couldn’t see that I was. I wanted my heavenly Father to show up and be with me everyday, I love being with the Lord! But I so wanted him to show up with this present of another child in hand (or at least a time frame of when the present would come) so much so that my desire, my control, and my fear eclipsed the simple love and excitement of my daddy coming unto me.
However, when the great sorrow and suffering came what I wanted and needed most of all was the simple presence of my heavenly daddy. And the thing I feared the most now was His absence. But He was not absent. I called and He came and He held me. And in that time, He reminded me that His will and His timing for what He gives or does not give to us is all done out of love for us. And I believe Him. Through this, God has brought me to a new place. A place that certainly does not desire more heartache or one which will not still express my deep desires to God, but rather a place which more fully trusts the will of my Heavenly Father come what may. So, now I pray the Words of God's own son, Jesus, "Abba, (Daddy), Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will. Mark 14:36
And what a very appropriate word I received from my friend, Joni, today based on
It amazes me how God uses EVERYTHING in our lives to bless us. And it also amazes me how even though my MESS is so different from some of the journeys that others in blog-land are taking.... God uses them and their trials and blessings to minister to me.
There have been so many times in the past few weeks, since the discovery of the truth that is now my reality, that some of the blogs I have been on- though their experience have NOTHING in common with mine... that God has used their experiences to shore me up and comfort me. Here is a part of a message from an mother waiting on God to bring her Lydia Hope...
http://lydiahope.blogspot.com/
He leads me in His way, not mine
The many questions which arise from time to time, concerning the timing of the adoption of Lydia Hope, seem to have been answered recently. I always like to have a reason for why certain things happen or do not happen according to my time frame but as of late I have recognised that God simply wants to demonstrate His sovereignty. He really does have my best in mind and He is continually working EVERYTHING together for the good of my family and especially Lydia. It does not matter that I do not understand why things are not accomplished in my timeframe! I do not see what God sees and what possible dangers He may be keeping us from and what blessings He may wish to bestow upon us. It is not that I have failed miserably, (though I have many, many times) but that is not why the Lord with holds His answers from me during this time. It is not that I have mistaken His calling to step out and adopt this little girl. It is simply that He desires for me to trust Him completely even when things are difficult. He wants me to accept that He does know the route I should take and how long it will take to reach our destination. His way is safer, though longer, and there are many treasures along the way which He has laid before me. Treasures of patience and perseverance and joy. Of contentment in Him alone and denial of myself. There are many wonderful treasures which I would miss if I hurried to the place I desire to be. There are people I would pass by, hurting sisters who are also traveling along this same road. Sometimes this journey can take longer because God wants us to stop and help someone else along the way. This path I have chosen has many unexpected trials and blessings waiting for me and opportunities for me to grow. I am learning more than anything else right now, that I must truly allow Jesus to lead me and stop trying to lead Him. His way is the way I am choosing to travel and if that means it will take longer than I'd have liked, then so be it. I am just thankful that He travels this path with me, side by side.
"Stop interfering with God's plans and with His will. Touching anything of His mars the work. Moving the hands of a clock to suit you does not change the time. You may be able to rush the unfolding of some aspects of God's will, but you harm His work in the long run. You can force a rosebud open, but you spoil the flower. Leave everything to Him, without exception.
"Not what I will, but what you will" " Stephen Merritt
God sent me on when I would stay
('Twas cool within the wood);
I did not know the reason why.
I heard a boulder crashing by
'Cross the path where I had stood.
He had me stay when I would go;
"Your will be done" I said.
They found one day at early dawn,
Across the way I would have gone,
A serpent with a mangled head.
I ask no more the reasons why,
Although I may not see
The path ahead, His way I go;
For though I know not, He does know,
And He will choose safe paths for me.
And then this blog post by Kerry Hasenbalg, a wonderful spirit filled lady- ( not even sure how I found her blog-who am I kidding??? GOD did it!!!) Anyway- she has suffered a great loss of another child and she has written so many thoughts that again-- although not the SAME pain- it spoke to my heart and soul.... as God IS a big God.... and he is using what I need to show me the path he has set before me!
April 02, 2009
Did Daddy Bring Me A Present?
Did Daddy Bring Me A Present?
What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. Job 3:25
Although, I have never really been a fearful person, this past year I found myself seriously riddled with fear. I spoke against it, prayed against it, stood against it, and kept taking the fearful thoughts captive; but I was never really totally free from it, at least not for more than a few days at a time. Not free that is until the thing I feared the most happened to me.
I wish I could have been freed another way, a way other than through the loss of another child. But for whatever reason I wasn’t freed beforehand. I couldn’t get myself there. I am sure the problem of becoming free was on my part and not God’s. But with all the spiritual tools I had, I couldn’t figure out how to use them sufficiently to get myself there. I know that we often remain in sin, (and I know fear is sin), because we are still getting something from it, benefiting in some way small way at least. And I suppose I felt that I held some sort of control in my relationship with God by not fully laying down my fear. Perhaps it was as if I thought He would take pity on me because of my fear and grant me this desire for mercy’s sake. Amazing how messed up we humans can be. And I sure am human in this messed up way too.
Anyhow, I fell off that very cliff - the cliff I stared at and feared profoundly this entire year. But as God promised He would, He did in fact catch me before I was crushed. But I really hate that I had to fall again...to really know by experience that He would catch me again. As Job said, (and I paraphrase) I had heard this about God but now I see Him with my own eyes.
I know I did not cause this loss, but the fact that I could not stop fearing that I would lose this one really disappoints me....well, it just plain stinks! I am no longer afraid, at least not now – I am just very sad! I really believe that fear often comes from placing something, some desire, or someone over desiring Him and His presence. I desired the presence of another child more than I desired ONLY Him! Of course I desired Him, but I so wanted Him to show up with child or at least the promise of when and how this desire would be fulfilled. It’s like the child who is waiting for his Daddy to come home, but when his daddy arrives without the gift the child asked for the child shows only disappointment. And the great blessing of the child running into daddy’s arms just because Daddy arrived home is totally eclipsed or even absent all together. I have been that child in my relationship with God, but I couldn’t see that I was. I wanted my heavenly Father to show up and be with me everyday, I love being with the Lord! But I so wanted him to show up with this present of another child in hand (or at least a time frame of when the present would come) so much so that my desire, my control, and my fear eclipsed the simple love and excitement of my daddy coming unto me.
However, when the great sorrow and suffering came what I wanted and needed most of all was the simple presence of my heavenly daddy. And the thing I feared the most now was His absence. But He was not absent. I called and He came and He held me. And in that time, He reminded me that His will and His timing for what He gives or does not give to us is all done out of love for us. And I believe Him. Through this, God has brought me to a new place. A place that certainly does not desire more heartache or one which will not still express my deep desires to God, but rather a place which more fully trusts the will of my Heavenly Father come what may. So, now I pray the Words of God's own son, Jesus, "Abba, (Daddy), Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will. Mark 14:36
And what a very appropriate word I received from my friend, Joni, today based on
I Peter 4:1-2, "Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
WOW GOD!!!!
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
Those words all could have been mine....(of course replacing their trials with mine....) their words are so eloquently put- far greater than mine- but so heartfelt... and what I needed to hear.... our God is amazing... He works miracles everyday... He led me to these blogs months before I would need them.... for a totally different reason.... isn't God wonderful!!!!
I need to see Him in all the little things He does for me. I need to remember that even though I don't understand... I followed HIs leading... and did as He asked, to reconcile my marriage and family-- HE did it for a reason that HE knows and understands. He kept me in this pattern until HIS time was right, until HE had all the i's dotted and t's crossed. I might not EVER understand the why's.... and I pray that some day I will no longer ask that question of Him. I pray someday I can look back and see that this was one of the greatest moments in my life. That He used this horrible mess to draw me to Him...to close doors that no one else could close... to open doors that no one else could open... to hold me closer than He ever had.... to make me listen diligently for His voice....to heal me of all my wounds and make me the vessel He needs to take me and mine to a higher place..... never again to call me "Much Afraid"....
from the book Hinds Feet on High Places...
"At last," He said, as she knelt speechless at His feet, " at last you are here and the 'night of weeping is over and joy comes to you in the morning. ' " Then, lifting her up, He continued, " this is the time when you are to receive the fulfillment of the promises. Never am I to call you Much-Afraid again." At that He laughed again and said, " I will write upon her a new name, the name of her God. The Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly" (Psalms 84:11). "This is your new name," he declared. "From henceforth you are Grace and Glory".
God, my Father.... help me....... make me YOUR Grace and Glory!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Stormie O'Martian
God is SO good!
Stormie O' Martian- Desk Calendar
Stormie O' Martian- Desk Calendar
This is the deal.
The devil has come to steal, kill and DESTROY!!!
Jesus has come to give you life ABUNDANTLY!!!
Ask God to show you the truth about your situation.
Don't let the enemy of your soul talk you into
accepting anything less than what
GOD has for you!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
God speak-- thru my desk calendar...
Stormie O'Martian... Desk calendar
Lord, by the power of YOUR HOLY SPIRIT I can successfully resist the devil and he must flee from me. Show me when I am not recognizing the encroachment of the enemy in my life.
( PLEASE GOD SPEAK LOUDLY IN THIS AREA OF MY LIFE!!!!!) Teach me to use that authority you have given me to see him DEFEATED in EVERY area!!!!!!!!!
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you!!! James 4:7
Lord, by the power of YOUR HOLY SPIRIT I can successfully resist the devil and he must flee from me. Show me when I am not recognizing the encroachment of the enemy in my life.
( PLEASE GOD SPEAK LOUDLY IN THIS AREA OF MY LIFE!!!!!) Teach me to use that authority you have given me to see him DEFEATED in EVERY area!!!!!!!!!
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you!!! James 4:7
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
There's no place like home?????
Ok-- home from Charleston... it was wonderful and I had an amazing time.... which is SO unusual for me.. usually I am ready to get back to my "nest" almost as soon as I get away. I love the memories... and the different scenary-- but usually after a couple of days I am wishing for the familiar. NOT THIS TIME. The closer I got to "home" the more tense and anxious I became. Not a good sign for this "homebody"-- not a good sign... BUT I AM TRYING TO LEARN FROM THESE LESSONS GOD IS GIVING ME...
so...
1) I need to face the fact that home is not my happy place right now... and work on changing that!! Because home does need to be a safe place to go to... and right now... it is NOT!
2) I need to in fact make this MY HOME... a fact that I did not even realize I had not done until all this mess!
3) I need to exercise this DEVIL from my home and reclaim what belongs to me and Chase!!!
4) I need to look at each haunting memory and place in this house and verbally and emotionally TAKE BACK that space and time and REPLACE it with a much better memory!! ( please help me with that God!!)
5) I need to acknowledge that MAYBE... JUST MAYBE this is another wonderful lesson God is granting me into the TRANSFORMATION He has promised me and is challenging me to meet head on... maybe--- it is time that I got comfortable exploring the wonderful world He has given me!
so...
1) I need to face the fact that home is not my happy place right now... and work on changing that!! Because home does need to be a safe place to go to... and right now... it is NOT!
2) I need to in fact make this MY HOME... a fact that I did not even realize I had not done until all this mess!
3) I need to exercise this DEVIL from my home and reclaim what belongs to me and Chase!!!
4) I need to look at each haunting memory and place in this house and verbally and emotionally TAKE BACK that space and time and REPLACE it with a much better memory!! ( please help me with that God!!)
5) I need to acknowledge that MAYBE... JUST MAYBE this is another wonderful lesson God is granting me into the TRANSFORMATION He has promised me and is challenging me to meet head on... maybe--- it is time that I got comfortable exploring the wonderful world He has given me!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
FAMILY IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!
My wonderful child -- he is wise beyond his years!! Lon and I were talking this AM about something.... not even sure what--- nothing about the "mess"- soemthing totally different.... and he overheard and made this connection... and made SURE I UNDERSTOOD.....
FAMILY IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!
THANK YOU GOD FOR MY SON!!!
HE IS SOOOOO RIGHT!!!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
God is at the Beach!!!
Wonderful uplifting service at Old Fort Baptist today-- so much so I was wanting to go to the evening service- but we didn't make it back in time from the beach! I think I will get the cd from the evening service-- sounded interesting!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Much Needed Change of Scenery
Leaving tomorrow to go to the "God-Family's" house. I am exhausted- but excited. Lonnie is a dear friend and this was planned long before this horrible mess.... but it is especially "right" now.... She is what got me thru before! Thank you God for my friend Lonnie- who has seen me at my worst!! and loved me thru it!!! She is a true sister of my heart!!! and I love those girls... and what women can say they have a "god-husband"---- truly- this is a special family!!!
Anyway- hoping this is a good trip for Chase and I -- nothing like doing a road trip with a 15 year old- but hopefuly there will be some good memories!
Dear Lord,
Draw my close to you on this trip- show me what YOU need me to see-teach me what YOU need me to learn. Keep us safe and protected. And help me minister to my Chase in a way that he needs right now!
Anyway- hoping this is a good trip for Chase and I -- nothing like doing a road trip with a 15 year old- but hopefuly there will be some good memories!
Dear Lord,
Draw my close to you on this trip- show me what YOU need me to see-teach me what YOU need me to learn. Keep us safe and protected. And help me minister to my Chase in a way that he needs right now!
Bad Day!!!!
Ok- another bad day.... this time at work. I got in trouble... my boss is not happy with me. Needless to say- I have not been at the top of my game these last 4 weeks--- and she is right....however I think it was a real dig to say she hasn't been happy with me for 6 1/2 years t.... but anyway... I am going to try to hold my head up and learn from the experience.
John Hagee has been preaching on "The Promise, The Problem and The Provision". I am trying to learn from this message. The backbone of the message that is hitting home with me right now is that how we respond to the problem =how long we have to STAY in the problem! I have laughingly said that I have spent 40 years in the desert ( like the Israelites ) ( I turn 40 in May) and come May 24th I am going to the PROMISE LAND!!!! ( God, it really IS ok if that happens BEFORE 5/24.... BUT anyway that is a goal!
I never seem to be able to sink into my pit with just ONE issue-- God always seems to allow things to fall apart on all fronts at one time. When Craig left the ??? time ( I've lost count and NOW it really IS MOOT!!!) not only did I lose my marriage, file for divorce, my grandmother get deathly ill AND lose my job all in Feb.-- so it was a HUGE pit-- and things did not stop there---little did I know that that was just the beginning!!
That was then and this is now... I am not going to EVEN begin to compare those 2 times in my life-- BECAUSE I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO THAT AWFUL PLACE WITH SO MUCH DESPAIR!!! I know that there is a reason... and I know that thru the fire I will come out stronger in HIM. I also know that CRAIG CLIFTON did not and WILL NOT destroy me and neither will this job!! I enjoy my work- and I WILL excel-- not sure how -- but I CAN DO ALL THINGS THRU CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENS ME!!!!
John Hagee has been preaching on "The Promise, The Problem and The Provision". I am trying to learn from this message. The backbone of the message that is hitting home with me right now is that how we respond to the problem =how long we have to STAY in the problem! I have laughingly said that I have spent 40 years in the desert ( like the Israelites ) ( I turn 40 in May) and come May 24th I am going to the PROMISE LAND!!!! ( God, it really IS ok if that happens BEFORE 5/24.... BUT anyway that is a goal!
I never seem to be able to sink into my pit with just ONE issue-- God always seems to allow things to fall apart on all fronts at one time. When Craig left the ??? time ( I've lost count and NOW it really IS MOOT!!!) not only did I lose my marriage, file for divorce, my grandmother get deathly ill AND lose my job all in Feb.-- so it was a HUGE pit-- and things did not stop there---little did I know that that was just the beginning!!
That was then and this is now... I am not going to EVEN begin to compare those 2 times in my life-- BECAUSE I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO THAT AWFUL PLACE WITH SO MUCH DESPAIR!!! I know that there is a reason... and I know that thru the fire I will come out stronger in HIM. I also know that CRAIG CLIFTON did not and WILL NOT destroy me and neither will this job!! I enjoy my work- and I WILL excel-- not sure how -- but I CAN DO ALL THINGS THRU CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENS ME!!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Everything Rides on Faith Somehow
If everything comes down to love
Then just what I am afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I’m Yours
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life
CHORUS
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I’ll be okay and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life
CHORUS
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You’ve become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Then just what I am afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I’m Yours
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life
CHORUS
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I’ll be okay and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life
CHORUS
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You’ve become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
James 1: 2-4
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." James 1:2-4
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thought to ponder
God is STILL AMAZING ME!
I am still trying so hard to work thru this.
I know it has only been 4 weeks since mine and Chase's world as we knew it was shattered..... but I am so ready for healing!!!
I am so ready to roll over as the alarm goes off and NOT THINK ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION THAT HAS BEEN AND STILL IS BEING WROUGHT to so many!
To get thru ONE day without tears! The tears are more controlled now, ( mostly-on good days) when I am alone and crying out to God.
I KNOW GOD HEARS ME- AND FEELS MY PAIN..... I KNOW THAT HE HAS A REASON FOR ALL OF THIS AND IT WILL BE FOR HIS GLORY!!!!....but I am so ready to NOT think about this anymore! I know that is not healthy and I have to work thru all of this AND more importantly I have to help Chase work thru everything. I am so worried about him. I just pray that God will put people in his path to help him and TAKE AWAY THE ONES THAT DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THERE! We BOTH have been put thru enough to last a lifetime!
I was listening to the radio today and heard this by C.S. Lewis:
Embrace the pain
to learn it's lessons well.
I am still trying so hard to work thru this.
I know it has only been 4 weeks since mine and Chase's world as we knew it was shattered..... but I am so ready for healing!!!
I am so ready to roll over as the alarm goes off and NOT THINK ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION THAT HAS BEEN AND STILL IS BEING WROUGHT to so many!
To get thru ONE day without tears! The tears are more controlled now, ( mostly-on good days) when I am alone and crying out to God.
I KNOW GOD HEARS ME- AND FEELS MY PAIN..... I KNOW THAT HE HAS A REASON FOR ALL OF THIS AND IT WILL BE FOR HIS GLORY!!!!....but I am so ready to NOT think about this anymore! I know that is not healthy and I have to work thru all of this AND more importantly I have to help Chase work thru everything. I am so worried about him. I just pray that God will put people in his path to help him and TAKE AWAY THE ONES THAT DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THERE! We BOTH have been put thru enough to last a lifetime!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Heard MORE today....
More stuff.... I know nothing should surprise me .... evil is evil.... but REALLY????????????? How deep the EVIL DOES RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Thank You God
Thank you God!
Thank you God for SO MUCH!! For my friends and family who have helped me and Chase thru this fire! For our church family who are horrified beyond belief that the man they have been praying for is capable of this and continues to lift up Chase and I in prayer that is SO VERY MUCH needed! Thank you for the leading women that speak the truth in love to me and offer me guidance and wisdom that is so needed. Thank you for opening doors these past few weeks ( as everything that could go wrong has) to attorneys, mechanics, contractors and repairmen. Thank you God for in JUST the last month protecting me from what one repairman said " you are lucky your house did not burn down" and from what one mechanic said " you are lucky that you and your car did not blow up"... I am telling you IT HAS BEEN A MONTH!!! Thank you God for placing a spirit filled women that I have never met before and I probably will never see again in my life the night before my world came crashing down to give me an anointing that I KNOW is from you! Thank you God for my son, who is carrying his own burden- but is so amazing that he gives me the courage I need to keep moving forward and THRU this fire. And thank you God for leading me to authors just weeks before and implanting their blogs and books in my life for the journey that you knew would be ahead of me.
Devotional by Kerry Hasenblag:
(who is in my prayers as she goes thru the devastating lose of a child-a very different hurt than mine... but our God is the same.... and He loves us both.... and wants us to have a PEACE that is only His to give)
The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25
It’s 5:00 in the morning and I’ve been up since 2:30a.m. – I just can’t sleep. My mind is racing – and racing.
I decided that I needed the Word. I needed truth from God to get back to center and back to sleep for that matter. So, I came out to the living room, opened the Bible to the book of Proverbs and began reading.
But instead God met me right where I was, and then gracious led me onward. In reading these things the Lord reminded me of two very important things.
First, that He sees and cares about all the injustices that happen. And that in His time He will repay men for all their deeds based on their true heart-motives – even when men are fooled, God is not fooled. God is far more concerned about injustice than I am, and ultimately He has it all covered.
But then after He had addressed this issues cluttering my mind, He began to address my deeper heart issue. The issue of fear! The Lord began showing me that my mind is focused on these particular hurts and pains because they are things which I believe I can avoid in the natural by trying to get into control. I so want to be safe and protected from anymore pain, I feel totally raw, and as a result my mind has been racing to figure out what I can control in my life to avoid getting hurt anymore. But the truth of the matter is that all the scheming and controlling in the world can’t protect me, or my loved ones, from future hurts or trials.
As a matter of fact, not taking my fear and human inclination to control things and situations to God will certainly end up harming me, and my loved ones. It even may keep me from being able to fully access the grace I will desperately need in the days to come. Fear and anger are certain blocks to God's grace and peace. I really need a clear path to His grace and peace just now.
I have seen this misplaced control thing happen in the lives of other hurting people in the past, and from an outsider’s perspective it was so clear to see what they were doing. But for some reason I had no idea that this was what I was beginning to do. "I can’t fix this, but I can fix that, even if its not my place or right to do, I must," is how the subconscious begins. WOW! Thank you Jesus for enlightening my own inner darkness written by fear.
Thank you God for SO MUCH!! For my friends and family who have helped me and Chase thru this fire! For our church family who are horrified beyond belief that the man they have been praying for is capable of this and continues to lift up Chase and I in prayer that is SO VERY MUCH needed! Thank you for the leading women that speak the truth in love to me and offer me guidance and wisdom that is so needed. Thank you for opening doors these past few weeks ( as everything that could go wrong has) to attorneys, mechanics, contractors and repairmen. Thank you God for in JUST the last month protecting me from what one repairman said " you are lucky your house did not burn down" and from what one mechanic said " you are lucky that you and your car did not blow up"... I am telling you IT HAS BEEN A MONTH!!! Thank you God for placing a spirit filled women that I have never met before and I probably will never see again in my life the night before my world came crashing down to give me an anointing that I KNOW is from you! Thank you God for my son, who is carrying his own burden- but is so amazing that he gives me the courage I need to keep moving forward and THRU this fire. And thank you God for leading me to authors just weeks before and implanting their blogs and books in my life for the journey that you knew would be ahead of me.
Devotional by Kerry Hasenblag:
(who is in my prayers as she goes thru the devastating lose of a child-a very different hurt than mine... but our God is the same.... and He loves us both.... and wants us to have a PEACE that is only His to give)
The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25
It’s 5:00 in the morning and I’ve been up since 2:30a.m. – I just can’t sleep. My mind is racing – and racing.
I decided that I needed the Word. I needed truth from God to get back to center and back to sleep for that matter. So, I came out to the living room, opened the Bible to the book of Proverbs and began reading.
And the section my eyes came to first was all about God’s perfect justice and how He sees everything and will repay blessings according to a man’s generosity and faithfulness and He will repay ruin and curses to the man who is only seeking gain and favor for himself and at the expense of others. Wow!
Why would God choose to answer the actual issues that I was wrestling with just now? I was pretty certain that I was going to receive some loving Biblical rebuke for wasting so much time thinking about frivolous and unrelated things. I was waiting for something like, “Oh foolish man why do you ponder such petty things at such a time as this…” (not a scripture by the way).But instead God met me right where I was, and then gracious led me onward. In reading these things the Lord reminded me of two very important things.
First, that He sees and cares about all the injustices that happen. And that in His time He will repay men for all their deeds based on their true heart-motives – even when men are fooled, God is not fooled. God is far more concerned about injustice than I am, and ultimately He has it all covered.
But then after He had addressed this issues cluttering my mind, He began to address my deeper heart issue. The issue of fear! The Lord began showing me that my mind is focused on these particular hurts and pains because they are things which I believe I can avoid in the natural by trying to get into control. I so want to be safe and protected from anymore pain, I feel totally raw, and as a result my mind has been racing to figure out what I can control in my life to avoid getting hurt anymore. But the truth of the matter is that all the scheming and controlling in the world can’t protect me, or my loved ones, from future hurts or trials.
As a matter of fact, not taking my fear and human inclination to control things and situations to God will certainly end up harming me, and my loved ones. It even may keep me from being able to fully access the grace I will desperately need in the days to come. Fear and anger are certain blocks to God's grace and peace. I really need a clear path to His grace and peace just now.
I have seen this misplaced control thing happen in the lives of other hurting people in the past, and from an outsider’s perspective it was so clear to see what they were doing. But for some reason I had no idea that this was what I was beginning to do. "I can’t fix this, but I can fix that, even if its not my place or right to do, I must," is how the subconscious begins. WOW! Thank you Jesus for enlightening my own inner darkness written by fear.
Getting into control will not help my deeper pain it will just cause me more pain.
But prayer and trusting God can help my aching heart. The God who sees is also the One who is Able. So, to Him I shall now entrust the protection of my heart once again so that I may rest. Thank you Lord that you are with me always! And thank you that you do hear all my concerns and will perfect that which concerns me. I am scared and I really need you now!
Wow-- even though this was written by a stranger- from a different place of grief -her word s could be that of my own! Thank you God for showing me to this wonderful women's blog... YOU ARE A MIGHTY GOD! AND TO MAY ALL OF THIS BE TO YOUR GLORY!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Please take away my sorrow!
The Lord can clear the darkest skies Can give us day for night.
Make drops of sacred sorrow rise To rivers of delight.
-Isaac Watts
-Isaac Watts
Thursday, March 12, 2009
What in the world is he thinking???
Ok... I KNOW I shouldn't be surprised by ANYTHING at this point... I KNOW.... but what in the world could that man possibly be thinking to text this WONDERFUL child after totally destroying his world - 2 weeks later ( now mind you NO CONTACT AT ALL since the phone call on 2/26/2008-when we phoned and TOLD him we knew about his wife and child-- NO CONTACT AT ALL other than to respond "alrighty" ) and saying and I quote...
" Do you want to do something this weekend or do your need more time? Love, Dad"
" Do you want to do something this weekend or do your need more time? Love, Dad"
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossi ans 3:15
I have shared the struggle I am having about making "her" aware of what is going on and apologizing for the part (unwillingly) I have played in that. I am praying diligently to hear from God what I should do. I understand I am not responsible for her pain-Craig is!!!!! (who knows she might be fine with this HORRIBLE mess he has created- AND I do believe that what some have told me - she probably will not believe the truth anyway-- trust me if anyone KNOWS, I know- she is married to the master of lies and deception!!!) ANYWAY... I just am burdened for her and that child and don't know if I can live with myself if I do not speak the truth in love!! I know that there will consequences when and if I do.... but do I continue to operate in FEAR of what Craig might do as I have done for the past 14 years... or do I what I feel God is telling me to do???????
Today - on the Creeflo Dollar program he identified the 5 ways to know if it is truly God's voice that is telling you to do something....
1) Does it require faith
2) Does it require courage
3) Does it go against reasons' and rationalizations of the world
4) Does if line up with God's written word
5) Do you have peace over your mind, will and emotions
He stated that God Might be needing it done, but the timing might not be right and/or it might not be attended for YOU to do it.
Peace is God's umpire that tells us it is safe to proceed.
If you doubt---don't
If you don't know- don't go
It doesn't HAVE to be now!!
Proverbs 24
1 BE NOT envious of evil men, nor desire to be with them;
2 For their minds plot oppression and devise violence, and their lips talk of causing trouble and vexation.
6 For by wise counsel you can wage your war, and in an abundance of counselors there is victory and safety.
8 He who plans to do evil will be called a mischief-maker.
9 The plans of the foolish and the thought of foolishness are sin, and the scoffer is an abomination to men.
10 If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small.
11 Deliver those who are drawn away to death, and those who totter to the slaughter, hold them back [from their doom].
12 If you [profess ignorance and] say, Behold, we did not know this, does not He Who weighs and ponders the heart perceive and consider it? And He Who guards your life, does not He know it? And shall not He render to [you and] every man according to his works?
19 Fret not because of evildoers, neither be envious of the wicked,
20 For there shall be no reward for the evil man; the lamp of the wicked shall be put out.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Stormie O'Martian- Desk calendar for today
Matthew 5: 44-45
Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.
Dear Father,
HOW can you expect this of me???!!!! I have tried SO hard!!!!! and both Chase and I have suffered so much at Craig's hand.... how can I EVER do this???? How can you ask me to love someone AND forgive someone that has been so cruel -especially someone who you know is STILL hurting others????? Help me Father to do what is right ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!
Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.
Dear Father,
HOW can you expect this of me???!!!! I have tried SO hard!!!!! and both Chase and I have suffered so much at Craig's hand.... how can I EVER do this???? How can you ask me to love someone AND forgive someone that has been so cruel -especially someone who you know is STILL hurting others????? Help me Father to do what is right ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!
Good Advice
Last night one of the FBC youth was pondering a big decision in her life and asked me what she should do....
OK.... first of all..... I am not the best one to be asking guidance from in the "big decision" department....OBVIOUSLY, after the revelations that have have happened in the past 2 1/2 weeks...... but anyway.....
I replied to her....
To take a deep breath, gather the info,and make the best decision she could with all the information she had. That NO decision was a wrong decision as long as she learned from her mistakes and move forward.
WOW.... that was pretty good even if I do say so myself.....
but where did THAT come from... and how come I can't take my own advice?????
And better yet... is it true.?????... right now it is hard to look at the past 8 years (or better yet the past 14 YEARS) as a "right" decision..... but I am trying so hard!!!!!!!!!!!! I do know that I did what God asked of me to do - with as much soul searching and crying out to God that I have done this past 2 1/2 weeks ( AND 8 years) I AM clear on that!!!!!!! why the rest has happened I can't get my head and heart around. And the fact that I am responsible for placing this "man" in front of my son as an example of what a husband and father should be.....( even though I was doing what I thought was best and right....) THAT IS SOMETHING I DON'T EVER KNOW IF I CAN GET PAST....but I HAVE to... I have a child...a wonderful amazing young man who deserves the BEST and it is time that I figure out what that is and how to make that happen!!!!
OK.... first of all..... I am not the best one to be asking guidance from in the "big decision" department....OBVIOUSLY, after the revelations that have have happened in the past 2 1/2 weeks...... but anyway.....
I replied to her....
To take a deep breath, gather the info,and make the best decision she could with all the information she had. That NO decision was a wrong decision as long as she learned from her mistakes and move forward.
WOW.... that was pretty good even if I do say so myself.....
but where did THAT come from... and how come I can't take my own advice?????
And better yet... is it true.?????... right now it is hard to look at the past 8 years (or better yet the past 14 YEARS) as a "right" decision..... but I am trying so hard!!!!!!!!!!!! I do know that I did what God asked of me to do - with as much soul searching and crying out to God that I have done this past 2 1/2 weeks ( AND 8 years) I AM clear on that!!!!!!! why the rest has happened I can't get my head and heart around. And the fact that I am responsible for placing this "man" in front of my son as an example of what a husband and father should be.....( even though I was doing what I thought was best and right....) THAT IS SOMETHING I DON'T EVER KNOW IF I CAN GET PAST....but I HAVE to... I have a child...a wonderful amazing young man who deserves the BEST and it is time that I figure out what that is and how to make that happen!!!!
More Devotionals
From ......Let the Son Shine
Lord, take this burden.
Someone knows your pain.
I can't offer that truth enough to a hurting soul.
We are not alone in our struggles, nor in our triumphs; our Heavenly Father rejoices when we rejoice, and the Lamb of God has gone through hell and has risen from its depths to lead us by example.
Christ not only lived a life that taught us how to live ours, He not only died a death so that we might overcome the shackles of our sinfully doomed mortality, our sweet Savior also demonstrated how we are to rise above adversity even if it kills us.
As inspired by the Holy Spirit, Paul wrote to encourage those facing hardship due to their love for Christ. While we might not be faced with the same threats and obvious hate endured by the earliest followers of Christ, we are undoubtedly hated and burdened all the same and can benefit from taking these words to heart.
So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not lose heart. What better reason to refill our cup to overflowing with God's goodness and mercy? Even though our outer nature (nothing more than a mere vessel) is wasting away, our inner nature (the precious cargo of that vessel) is being renewed day by day. Our very spirits are being made anew each time we step into the light of God, the path of Christ, and the unfading glory of the Sovereign Lord! That's something to praise aloud, ladies! For this slight (lacking in strength or substance) momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, --carrying the load of life's troubles is building our spiritual muscles in order that we can one day support the massive glory of living in the presence of our King--because we look not at what can be seen (our ever-present burden) but at what cannot be seen (the hand of the Almighty reaching to help with that burden); for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.
Please pray with me today.Oh Father, how we twist and contort our joyful hearts until they can no longer contain joy. We stretch and bend to lift the load that life heaps onto us all, eventually leaving us broken and helpless. Only in your light can we see that we are never more useful than when we give up the useless task of taking on the world. Lord, take this burden. Replace the angst with truth that will set free the weary soul. Father, you know each and every need and you will certainly provide. Help us to know our needs and what you would have us do to meet them. Help us to see the eternal and leave at your feet the fleeting woes that have our attention at the moment. In the name of Jesus Christ, the living example of victory over hardship, we pray these things. Amen.
Lord, take this burden.
Someone knows your pain.
I can't offer that truth enough to a hurting soul.
We are not alone in our struggles, nor in our triumphs; our Heavenly Father rejoices when we rejoice, and the Lamb of God has gone through hell and has risen from its depths to lead us by example.
Christ not only lived a life that taught us how to live ours, He not only died a death so that we might overcome the shackles of our sinfully doomed mortality, our sweet Savior also demonstrated how we are to rise above adversity even if it kills us.
As inspired by the Holy Spirit, Paul wrote to encourage those facing hardship due to their love for Christ. While we might not be faced with the same threats and obvious hate endured by the earliest followers of Christ, we are undoubtedly hated and burdened all the same and can benefit from taking these words to heart.
So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not lose heart. What better reason to refill our cup to overflowing with God's goodness and mercy? Even though our outer nature (nothing more than a mere vessel) is wasting away, our inner nature (the precious cargo of that vessel) is being renewed day by day. Our very spirits are being made anew each time we step into the light of God, the path of Christ, and the unfading glory of the Sovereign Lord! That's something to praise aloud, ladies! For this slight (lacking in strength or substance) momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, --carrying the load of life's troubles is building our spiritual muscles in order that we can one day support the massive glory of living in the presence of our King--because we look not at what can be seen (our ever-present burden) but at what cannot be seen (the hand of the Almighty reaching to help with that burden); for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.
Please pray with me today.Oh Father, how we twist and contort our joyful hearts until they can no longer contain joy. We stretch and bend to lift the load that life heaps onto us all, eventually leaving us broken and helpless. Only in your light can we see that we are never more useful than when we give up the useless task of taking on the world. Lord, take this burden. Replace the angst with truth that will set free the weary soul. Father, you know each and every need and you will certainly provide. Help us to know our needs and what you would have us do to meet them. Help us to see the eternal and leave at your feet the fleeting woes that have our attention at the moment. In the name of Jesus Christ, the living example of victory over hardship, we pray these things. Amen.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
What to do?
I am so burden with the fact that there is a woman and child -so much like me and Chase who is being lied to in such HUGE way. I keep wondering where Chase and I would be right now if someone had only told us the truth and I feel responsible to be honest to her, and more importantly, as a mother feel for her child as I sit and watch mine suffer! I have no idea what she knows, -but I am SURE she does not know the truth. NO WOMAN would be ok with what her husband has been doing with me. Not only do I feel like she needs and deserves to know the truth, but I feel like I need to tell her how sorry I am. I KNOW that I didn't knowingly do anything wrong...... but my heart hurts for her and her future. To know that this "man" has done this to AT LEAST both of us is killing me! Both my son AND I know how good a liar and manipulator he is... and obviously he has had PLENTY of time to plan how he would spin this.... so I have NO disillusions that he will get her to believe him and not the truth.... but I feel responsible for letting her know what has happened....to give her and her child a chance to get away from this horrible person that everyone down there thinks "walks on water".... to let her at least have the truth so she can have her eyes open to what he is......I am just so burdened. Everyone tells me that not only will she never believe the truth ( trust me I am LIVING IT and I can't hardly believe it myself)-but that it is not my place to tell her, to close the door on this WHOLE HORRENDOUS MESS and move on with my life. But if I don't who will... if I don't speak up- I am as bad as the people in my life who knew the truth- but refused to be honest with me-because that was the easy way out..... is that the kind of person I want to be???? more importantly.... is that the kind of person that I can look at in the mirror and live with?????
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