It amazes me how God uses EVERYTHING in our lives to bless us. And it also amazes me how even though my MESS is so different from some of the journeys that others in blog-land are taking.... God uses them and their trials and blessings to minister to me.
There have been so many times in the past few weeks, since the discovery of the truth that is now my reality, that some of the blogs I have been on- though their experience have NOTHING in common with mine... that God has used their experiences to shore me up and comfort me. Here is a part of a message from an mother waiting on God to bring her Lydia Hope...
http://lydiahope.blogspot.com/
He leads me in His way, not mine
The many questions which arise from time to time, concerning the timing of the adoption of Lydia Hope, seem to have been answered recently. I always like to have a reason for why certain things happen or do not happen according to my time frame but as of late I have recognised that God simply wants to demonstrate His sovereignty. He really does have my best in mind and He is continually working EVERYTHING together for the good of my family and especially Lydia. It does not matter that I do not understand why things are not accomplished in my timeframe! I do not see what God sees and what possible dangers He may be keeping us from and what blessings He may wish to bestow upon us. It is not that I have failed miserably, (though I have many, many times) but that is not why the Lord with holds His answers from me during this time. It is not that I have mistaken His calling to step out and adopt this little girl. It is simply that He desires for me to trust Him completely even when things are difficult. He wants me to accept that He does know the route I should take and how long it will take to reach our destination. His way is safer, though longer, and there are many treasures along the way which He has laid before me. Treasures of patience and perseverance and joy. Of contentment in Him alone and denial of myself. There are many wonderful treasures which I would miss if I hurried to the place I desire to be. There are people I would pass by, hurting sisters who are also traveling along this same road. Sometimes this journey can take longer because God wants us to stop and help someone else along the way. This path I have chosen has many unexpected trials and blessings waiting for me and opportunities for me to grow. I am learning more than anything else right now, that I must truly allow Jesus to lead me and stop trying to lead Him. His way is the way I am choosing to travel and if that means it will take longer than I'd have liked, then so be it. I am just thankful that He travels this path with me, side by side.
"Stop interfering with God's plans and with His will. Touching anything of His mars the work. Moving the hands of a clock to suit you does not change the time. You may be able to rush the unfolding of some aspects of God's will, but you harm His work in the long run. You can force a rosebud open, but you spoil the flower. Leave everything to Him, without exception.
"Not what I will, but what you will" " Stephen Merritt
God sent me on when I would stay
('Twas cool within the wood);
I did not know the reason why.
I heard a boulder crashing by
'Cross the path where I had stood.
He had me stay when I would go;
"Your will be done" I said.
They found one day at early dawn,
Across the way I would have gone,
A serpent with a mangled head.
I ask no more the reasons why,
Although I may not see
The path ahead, His way I go;
For though I know not, He does know,
And He will choose safe paths for me.
And then this blog post by Kerry Hasenbalg, a wonderful spirit filled lady- ( not even sure how I found her blog-who am I kidding??? GOD did it!!!) Anyway- she has suffered a great loss of another child and she has written so many thoughts that again-- although not the SAME pain- it spoke to my heart and soul.... as God IS a big God.... and he is using what I need to show me the path he has set before me!
April 02, 2009
Did Daddy Bring Me A Present?
Did Daddy Bring Me A Present?
What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. Job 3:25
Although, I have never really been a fearful person, this past year I found myself seriously riddled with fear. I spoke against it, prayed against it, stood against it, and kept taking the fearful thoughts captive; but I was never really totally free from it, at least not for more than a few days at a time. Not free that is until the thing I feared the most happened to me.
I wish I could have been freed another way, a way other than through the loss of another child. But for whatever reason I wasn’t freed beforehand. I couldn’t get myself there. I am sure the problem of becoming free was on my part and not God’s. But with all the spiritual tools I had, I couldn’t figure out how to use them sufficiently to get myself there. I know that we often remain in sin, (and I know fear is sin), because we are still getting something from it, benefiting in some way small way at least. And I suppose I felt that I held some sort of control in my relationship with God by not fully laying down my fear. Perhaps it was as if I thought He would take pity on me because of my fear and grant me this desire for mercy’s sake. Amazing how messed up we humans can be. And I sure am human in this messed up way too.
Anyhow, I fell off that very cliff - the cliff I stared at and feared profoundly this entire year. But as God promised He would, He did in fact catch me before I was crushed. But I really hate that I had to fall again...to really know by experience that He would catch me again. As Job said, (and I paraphrase) I had heard this about God but now I see Him with my own eyes.
I know I did not cause this loss, but the fact that I could not stop fearing that I would lose this one really disappoints me....well, it just plain stinks! I am no longer afraid, at least not now – I am just very sad! I really believe that fear often comes from placing something, some desire, or someone over desiring Him and His presence. I desired the presence of another child more than I desired ONLY Him! Of course I desired Him, but I so wanted Him to show up with child or at least the promise of when and how this desire would be fulfilled. It’s like the child who is waiting for his Daddy to come home, but when his daddy arrives without the gift the child asked for the child shows only disappointment. And the great blessing of the child running into daddy’s arms just because Daddy arrived home is totally eclipsed or even absent all together. I have been that child in my relationship with God, but I couldn’t see that I was. I wanted my heavenly Father to show up and be with me everyday, I love being with the Lord! But I so wanted him to show up with this present of another child in hand (or at least a time frame of when the present would come) so much so that my desire, my control, and my fear eclipsed the simple love and excitement of my daddy coming unto me.
However, when the great sorrow and suffering came what I wanted and needed most of all was the simple presence of my heavenly daddy. And the thing I feared the most now was His absence. But He was not absent. I called and He came and He held me. And in that time, He reminded me that His will and His timing for what He gives or does not give to us is all done out of love for us. And I believe Him. Through this, God has brought me to a new place. A place that certainly does not desire more heartache or one which will not still express my deep desires to God, but rather a place which more fully trusts the will of my Heavenly Father come what may. So, now I pray the Words of God's own son, Jesus, "Abba, (Daddy), Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will. Mark 14:36
And what a very appropriate word I received from my friend, Joni, today based on
I Peter 4:1-2, "Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
WOW GOD!!!!
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
Those words all could have been mine....(of course replacing their trials with mine....) their words are so eloquently put- far greater than mine- but so heartfelt... and what I needed to hear.... our God is amazing... He works miracles everyday... He led me to these blogs months before I would need them.... for a totally different reason.... isn't God wonderful!!!!
I need to see Him in all the little things He does for me. I need to remember that even though I don't understand... I followed HIs leading... and did as He asked, to reconcile my marriage and family-- HE did it for a reason that HE knows and understands. He kept me in this pattern until HIS time was right, until HE had all the i's dotted and t's crossed. I might not EVER understand the why's.... and I pray that some day I will no longer ask that question of Him. I pray someday I can look back and see that this was one of the greatest moments in my life. That He used this horrible mess to draw me to Him...to close doors that no one else could close... to open doors that no one else could open... to hold me closer than He ever had.... to make me listen diligently for His voice....to heal me of all my wounds and make me the vessel He needs to take me and mine to a higher place..... never again to call me "Much Afraid"....
from the book Hinds Feet on High Places...
"At last," He said, as she knelt speechless at His feet, " at last you are here and the 'night of weeping is over and joy comes to you in the morning. ' " Then, lifting her up, He continued, " this is the time when you are to receive the fulfillment of the promises. Never am I to call you Much-Afraid again." At that He laughed again and said, " I will write upon her a new name, the name of her God. The Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly" (Psalms 84:11). "This is your new name," he declared. "From henceforth you are Grace and Glory".
God, my Father.... help me....... make me YOUR Grace and Glory!!!!!!!
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